Unfinished Memories
by DarkItalianFairy
Summary: The game is done. Everybody's okay, but John. Nightmares control him as a change conserves his fears. Nobody understands though. Nobody but Karkat who is holding a secret of his own. Will they collide and finally reveal what has been unfinished for so long? (Picture is mine!)
1. Chapter 1

_So yeah, kill me or whatever but I have been in a homestuck phase for about a few months now and I felt motivation to write a fanfic :33 It's mainly a Karkat and John fanfic since I do ship that pairing so hard along with PB & J and Dave x John and EriSol. Umm... Yeah :33_

_I'm going to apologize ahead of time to say that I might be a little OOC with a few characters until I get their personalities under control? I'm sorry for anything I do wrong or anything you don't like! I'm not the best writer, never was, so this may just be a bunch of nonsense, but I expect to make this a pretty long fanfic nonetheless. It's going to be in first person pov (something i'm not too fond of) so there will be mess ups :( Other than that, I hope you enjoy this yeah?_

_I know that I may screw up at first but I hope that this will be the most purrfect fanfic I have done in a while :33 _

_Umm... Review what you think though? I'm not too good at writing this since this is my first homestuck fanfic i have ever written /_

_Other than that, enjoy!_

_I do not own Homestuck btw! That is all Hussie and his trolling ways!_

_Ciao~!_

* * *

- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist at 1:17 -

EB: um...karkat?

EB: i need to ask you a question

EB: like I guess it's serious? blarg i feel like a idiot asking this but

EB: do you feel ... different in any way?

EB: not like gestures or anything!

EB: but like physically?

EB: maybe it's just me

EB: i wanted to ask since well...

EB: nevermind!

EB: forget i even said anything he he

EB: see ya karkat

- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 1:34 -

I sat back from my computer and slumped in my chair. I wanted to scream in frustration and confusion yet that wouldn't accomplish anything. It would only wake up Dave, Rose, and Jade and that would prove me to be more of a bother than I already am. A slight grimace hit my features as I think of the grumbles and agitated looks I would more than likely get. They wouldn't be very happy with my outburst like any normal person would. I sighed and just soaked the feeling in. It's a reflex now I guess. It's how I cope with things that I can't expel to others for help. It might not help me, but it helps those around me and well, that's quite better than myself. I rather suffer in my lonesome nightmares alone than seek the comfort of others. It's just habit now, even as I felt the feeling of utter fear sweep through my thoughts, claiming the innocent wisps in thin air so it can turn them to ice. I shiver in response and hug my knees to my chest, laying my head on top. I'm so hopeless when it comes to grieving. It was obvious as warm, _red_, tears started to pour over despite my weak will to hold them back.

I burrowed my head into my pajama-covered knees an sighed. The tears didn't cease though and gradually the color of my blue pajamas migrated to the neutral color of violet. As the time wore on, it spread until most of my leg was drenched in the color change. Why was I acting like such a baby right now? I wanted to hide under a blanket and hide which is unlike me. I want to go to somebody and cry against their chest, but that's also different. I didn't understand this! It felt like every fear I have ever felt in my life has absorbed towards this moment even though it's not even worth it. This was only a minor...bump in the road of my life. Other than the fear, I felt the constant batter of stress. It was my personality turn upside-down and it felt so weird. I should be bouncing on my bed, happy as can possibly be, but I couldn't; I wouldn't. Instead, I felt so...so...

Lonely?

Insecure?

Misunderstood?

I'm supposed to be the great optimistic leader. I'm supposed to think outside this dimming fog of darkness towards the light, but I couldn't. It was like I was continuously walking into the great darkening fog, searching for a light that I could never find.

In a attempt to release my frustration, I took to yanking my hair. I have never done this before, but it probably wasn't the brightest thing to do. The hard yank made me to just give a cry. Wonderful. Your so smart Egbert, let me tell you. I covered my mouth instantly, fearing that I awoke the others. Maybe punching a pillow would have been better? It sure as heck would've definitely felt less painful and less reactive. I rubbed the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb. I needed to calm down. If Dave was here, watching me in this odd ball of distress, he would tell me to calm the fuck down and thin straight, like the cool kid he is.

At the thought of Dave, I couldn't help but smile. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all "No Homo" for sure. Straight as a arrow I assure you, but he is a good friend! He is the best a dork like me could ever ask for! He is always pulling the whole "Cool Kid" act and giving pointless admissions of irony that sure as heck wasn't there when he said it was! I giggled slightly at the thought and my tears slowed down. He is such a good fiend underneath though. He is always there when I need a hand to grab onto or a shoulder to cry on. He just had the instinct to calm me down when life got tough, an nowadays, that was quite often. The nightmares I constantly had didn't help it whatsoever. What's worse is that they came every night as the word constant infers. It was always he same nightmare the cursed me even tonight.

I frowned slightly at the thought of my nightmares. They always included one -no two, crucial factors. They always showed my father with his love and spreading grins, and then his body on the floor, lifeless. I couldn't help him. I couldn't even move. I was glued to the ground of darkness where my mind lays in wait.

It killed me every time though. It never dimmed. It never ceased making me cry out for him. It was always renewed hope to renewed grief. A endless cycle really.

It all started the same. Like I said, it was a cycle and what's a cycle without a little repetition right?

I'd close my eyes and would open them to my father's outstretched hands. Every time he did it my hopes would rise the ladder and I would smile. I would smile that dorky smile with buck teeth and all until I realized the falsehood of it. Every single time I would trudge my feet to no avail. Every single time my heart would lurch when he stared back at me with confusion. It would kill me. He was my father and I couldn't so much as _hug _him. I couldn't touch my finger tips to his or just feel his breath. I would always cry out and try to move, but I...I couldn't. My feet were glued to shadows and my tears would flow. The shadows were relentless though and would just grip my ankles tighter. Emotion always carried the black miles to cause pain.

It didn't take long until I would fall to my knees; his limp body falling. His face would be white and his hat would softly land beside him, splattered red. His outstretched hands would be there, lifeless. It was terrifying and utterly painful. I didn't want to watch but _he _forced me to. The black figure behind my deceased father with a sword of crimson. The figure of Jack Noir and his dogged grin.

I couldn't help my emotions. At this point I was distraught. I would cry out his name, curse his name, plead his name even to no avail. He didn't so much as blink witch whatever I said. He wouldn't even move. He was a black statue of obsidian with the eyes of pearls. It wouldn't take lone though until his stony figure would brake to reveal a smirk. That's what would break me. It always did. That little smirk is what killed me because of the message behind it. "Your next."

Walking closer to me, he would only walk a centimeter before disappearing in a cloud of black smoke. My form would be covered in it until I felt disgusted with the particles sticking to my sweaty skin. They consumed me with menacing speed and I would slowly crumble to nothing.

For the past two years, these nightmares have occurred. For the past two years, my life has been miserable in the dreamland and reality.

I suppose the cycle did have a change to it's features though. It was the simplest of changes, but it was one that scared me to white. The first time, it was one centimeter he moved, the second day it was two. Gradually, he has been getting closer and closer to me. His smirk taunting me into trying to run away as the red miles licked his arms hungrily. Although I dreaded this day, tonight was by far the worst.

I guess it was pointless to avoid it since I couldn't. I had to abide the rules of my nightmares and that included his stalk and vanish. The day was bound to come and well, tonight was it.

Tonight was the night that he was face to face with me, breathing on my face an giving me a sinister smile. My skin would prickle with goosebumps and my face would start to sweat a little at the fear that was omitted. I wanted to run, to cringe, but I was stuck in the lace at my feet. I had no choice but to endure this torture. My eyes watched his weapon with fear. It hadn't changed at all. It was still spattered with blood. Examining it closer, I wanted to wake up desperately. On it's slick metal surface was the crusting rust color of my father's blood. My breath hitched as I peered into the eyes of my killer. Shaking, I noticed a slight of pity before he stabbed me.

Of course that's when I woke up. I can't seem to force my self to wake up. It just never happens with me since my nightmares control me. I don't control my dream life no more. That was lost after the destruction of Derse and Prospit. You'd think that after the beating of our session, it would repair itself, but no. It was building, but slowly and gradually. Last I heard from Jade, her part of the place was almost done. It was almost fully repaired which made me smile lightly. I know things would never be the same anymore. Not since then.

I sighed lightly and ran a hand through my hair in defeat. I don't think things would ever be the same at all. Everybody else may be all nice and peachy, but I can't be that way. The game has changed me so much as much as I hate to admit it. It twisted my genes around to form a different person. It flipped the world upside-down for me to fall. It completely altered everybody's mind so I can seem crazy. I am just altered and nothing can change that because nobody knows. Nobody cares and it will stay that way hopefully. I'm such a Egderp so maybe I'll try to act like one for everybody's sake.

Nobody ever worried about me really. I mean, if they did, I never noticed. Sure I might have changed somewhat after the game, but I was good at pretending, something I acquired from Dave. He taught me to not let anybody read your mind like a open book and I took to it. Despite the fact that he did teach me, it wasn't this Dave. It was a different one. One that is long gone and will never return as much as I wish. I suppose it's rather ironic how I miss the old egotistical asshole. I even compare him to the Dave here with me. I compare him in every way and it kills me because I'd rather forget about it an just be like the pals we were before. I didn't want to be complete strangers. Not with him nor anybody else, but it was inevitable. I just was more distant nowadays and few noticed. I'd rather say that none did, but that would be a lie right? I see the look in their eyes which is something I avoid altogether. No point in clinging to emotion that I rather not explain.

I shook my head violently. This was no time to get lost in my thoughts. No time is right for it. I glance at my hands, a sigh escaping my lips.

My knees were starting to hurt from the position I placed them in. They cried out pain, but I didn't want to move really. I was quite content sleeping like this actually. I might ache seriously in the morning, but other than that, it wasn't so bad really. Closing my eyes, I slowly started to ease my breathing towards relaxation.

What relaxation? I never got that.

A ding averted my closed lids to the desktop in front of me. My pesterchum was lighting up in all directions to tell me that somebody was contacting me. My mouse cursor swerved towards the icon and I clicked it halfheartedly. A smile quirked my lips slightly when I saw the name.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling ectoBiologist at 2:03 -

EB: hi karkat!

CG: WHAT'S THE MATTER

EB: nothing's the matter. can't i just talk to a friend?

CG: STOP AVOIDING THE FUCKING QUESTION EGBERT

EB: ...

CG: JOHN... I SWEAR TO GOG...

EB: fine :B

Glancing at the mirror above my laptop, I sighed. Nothing was the same and I guess I wasn't as good as a pretender as I thought. Or maybe it was just Karkat. He always knew when something was up as much as I would like to deny that fact. He's just one of those people I couldn't shake off with a simple lie as saying I was alright. I'm a master at that lie. Everybody should believe me, and almost all of them do. All of them but Karkat. He never does and I suppose it intrigues me? He was different and that's why I was talking to him right now.

CG: JOHN? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

EB: sorry... just trying to waste time i guess with silence? he he...

CG: JOHN YOU DON'T LAUGH UNLESS YOUR FUCKING SCARED, NERVOUS, OR BOTH

EB: ...

CG: JOHN

CG: FUCKING

CG: EGBERT

CG: ANSWER ME. YOU BOTHERED ME SO IT'S ONLY COURTEOUS THAT YOU TELL ME WHAT'S UP IN THAT IDIOTIC THINKPAN OF YOURS BEFORE I GET SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF

EB: not like you already are

EB: but alright. fine

EB: i guess i really have no choice on the matter do i? he he...

CG: JOHN?

EB: do you really want to know karkat?

EB: i'm being serious since you normally like to flip your shit whenever i just mention a sweet nick cage flick

CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR STUPID EXCUSE OF MOVIES ARE EXTREMELY POINTLESS AND RATHER AGGRAVATING

CG: BUT BESIDES THAT

CG: YES. AT THIS POINT I FUCKING DO WAN TO KNOW

EB: blargh. fine.

EB: last night i felt really sick while i was watching con air

EB: so i went to bed so i could just sleep it off

EB: but instead i just had nightmares and woke up about a hour ago

CG: WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARES?

EB: karkat please let me finish first!

EB: anyways, when i awoke

EB: i was different

EB: ...

CG: FUCKING DAMMIT EGBERT. WHAT WAS DIFFERENT IN YOUR STUPID CASE

EB: i was a troll

EB: ...

CG: STOP YANKING ON MY CHAIN JOHN. WHAT REALLY IS THE MATTER

EB: i'm telling you the truth karkat! i have no reason to lie since i'm practically freaking out here!

EB: please believe me! i have gray skin and little nubs on my head and they hurt whenever i poke them!

EB: karkat please. your the only one i can come to

EB: i don't know what to do and your one of my closest friends...

CG: ...

CG: SINCE YOUR A HELPLESS FUCKING IDIOT

CG: FINE

CG: BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO EGBERT.

EB: thank you...

CG: WAIT

CG: JUST TO BE SURE

CG: WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?

CG: LIST THEM TO THE EXACT

CG: I'M STILL A LITTLE SKEPTICAL

EB: alright...

EB: my hair is the same i think? i don't know since it's dark in my room from it being dark and all...

EB: oh speaking of darkness, i can strangely see better in the dark than usual, but not in the light?

EB: the bathroom lights made my eyes hurt real bad

EB: my skin is this weird grey color that feels weird to me, durable or something

EB: and then i have the little horns...

CG: ALRIGHT I GET THE FUCKING PICTURE

CG: FUCK. FUCK FUCK

CG: karkat?

CG: FUCK, WHAT?

CG: HURRY I NEED TO GO TALK TO SOMEONE

EB: ...

EB: does loneliness come with being a troll?

CG: ...

CG: WELCOME TO THE LIFE EGBERT

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist at 2:51 -

I sat back in my chair with a thump, vaguely reviewing our conversation. I could feel the emotions in my heart swelling to uncomfortable amounts. They were overflowing in the juices of despair, need, and sadness. Combined, it made my eyes well up in tears... again. It was infuriating. My clock told me it was about 3 in the morning and I was still crying like a baby. If I don't stop, my eyes will surely be red when I leave for school.

I facepalmed and glared at my doppleganger in the mirror. School. That's going to be a blast right there! I already get picked on for being a nerd and the whole high school drama was definitely not a understatement in the movies. It was as terrible as they perceive if not more. My buck teeth and glasses always screamed dork and so the normal jocks picked on me. I was used to it, but due to the fact that it wasn't even close to Halloween, I was screwed. I would stand out like a beacon. I would definitely have more to go through if I did.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling. Maybe I shouldn't go to school today, or tomorrow, or next week. Maybe I should stay locked in my room until this change passes. It would be a hell of a lot easier if it wasn't for the fact that I lived with the highly ironic Dave Strider and the rest of my friends.

They would thumb down my change along with my personality; they always have. They took notice of every faltering smile and every little laugh that was off a octave. Nothing slipped passed them as long as I was near them. I guess I couldn't really defend myself. I really was hopeless, but I do try to act strong and every bit as normal, but I couldn't. I wasn't the same anymore. Not since we beat Sburb and everything went down. Nobody remembers it and it scars me everyday.

Why?

Because I remember everything.

Since I was one of the first main God Tiers, I was privileged with this curse. I was alone in the grief after the game. I was consumed in it and I really don't know how I sufficed it so quickly. I should have gone mad. I should have just gone insane and let things be, but I couldn't. I couldn't with my friends in front of me. I remember all of the blood, the wars, and the loss. I remembered laying every single body of the trolls and my friends out into a line. I remember placing their hands on their chests and closing their frightened, dim eyes. I placed Rose's needles on her chest. I fixed Jade's hair and pecked her nose. I cried as I placed Dave's broken shades that I gave him on his face once more. My knees weren't strong then. I knew it as i fell to them and sobbed in my bloodied hands. Every blink showed a dead body and it only blurred my vision even more so then before. One second the blink would show their smiles and than their expressionless faces would cover them entirely because of me. I was the cause for all of this. They all protected me of all things. They wanted me safe though they should be the ones alive. I should have been the one lying on the stained ground. Not them.

Funny thing is, I also remember cursing Jack's name. We thought we defeated him an it was a lie I guess because his body was never among theirs. It was gone and not there. I remember hugging myself and for the longest time, losing my sanity. It was a nightmare come to life. For what felt like hours, I was like that. I was just a lifeless sobbing boy who wanted somebody to hug. I didn't move a inch or blink. I was scarred from the oncoming of memories that I just couldn't block. My God Tier outfit was worthless now. I didn't want it anymore. It cursed me with this power of regeneration and I hated it. Why couldn't I have gone down with them?

The blame was all on me. I couldn't say it wasn't since I was definitely the cause. I could have saved them if I tried! I could have sacrificed myself for Dave or Rose or anybody for that matter! But I couldn't. I was a sack of blubbering emotions that couldn't fit the puzzle pieces together that all of my friends were gone into the afterlife.

For the longest time I just sat there. It wasn't until a voice spoke in my mind that everything changed. It was the voice of a female I could tell, but I wasn't really interested in knowing more. I wanted to be alone in my grief thought she would have none of it. She told e that she can bring them back, but at a price of myself. I didn't care though. I wanted all of them back so I can tell them how sorry I was. I was gone in the fog of grief and despair. The price is something I have kept to my heart for so long that it's just natural to not say anything of it.

Back to reality, I was glancing at my desk. I looked at the shining object under it. A grimace colored my face as I realized what I had just thought. Nobody knew my dark secret I held here. The shiny, blood crusted object underneath all of those books. I blink and look away. I guess it's sad to say that I was tempted to just to one swipe, but I didn't. I promised Dave that I wouldn't do it anymore, not after he caught me the first time. I blink the tears back an look down at my clenched hands. Crimson droplets fell on my wrists, slightly scarred from the past. The dark months I would like to call them. Those were from the first few months after we came back, alive and well. I was still depressed and tortured as I saw every smile again and remembered their dead faces. The pale lifeless skin and the blue lips. The dead, dim eyes and the limp twisted forms. I shiver roughly as I remember them.

To say it blank, it was awful. I hate to be dragged into the past, but these were one of those memories that don't let you forget them. They were stuck to your conscious like glue and duct tape. The dead bodies and everything. They were the worst memories as well. I would look at Rose and I would see her dead body with her neck broken and arms at odd angles. I would see Dave and when he would grin, I would cringe and run to my room. I still saw his broken shades I gave him along with the stabbed heart. I would see the purple that blossomed on his skin and the lips of his that were blue. I still flinched at his smiles. It was a reflex that wouldn't leave. He wasn't the worst. That was left for Jade, my sister. She took the blow that should have been my death. I see her decapitated head and the odd twist on the left leg. I see their past instead of their present. I was cursed with blood.

Nobody can see that and not change. Not optimistic me or anybody. I did change. I wasn't as happy as before. I was more anti-social I suppose and the bullies at school didn't help. They used that fact as fuel to their fire. They picked on me and tortured me, but I held it in. I hid all of it for the sake of my friends. I didn't want them to worry or pity over me. That was far worse than death..

I blink and sigh. I need to stop living in the past. It wasn't good for anybody, including myself. Trudging to my small, bathroom was a obstacle, but maybe some cold water would set me jumbled mind straight. It normally didn't, but it was worth a shot. I switched on the light and closed my eyes before flashing them into a glare at the mirror.

Eyes the color of the sky blinked back at me with the same intensity. They held yellow around them, not white. They appeared lonely yet irritated. When did that happen? I was turning into a girl. Either that or increasingly mood-swingy. Rolling my neon eyes, I glanced at the rest of me. It was like I was some screwed up sim from Sims 3 or a alien from Aliens versus Predators. I was caked on with grey skin with dark circles under my eyes. Great. The others will definitely notice my lack of sleep now. Sighing, I ran a hand through my messy hair, flinching as I took notice at the yellow/orange nails I now had fully painted and manicured.

Did I mention that I had horns too? Yeah. They were nubby and barely noticeable. They weren't too much of a hassle. They were the only awesome part of my entire new...look. They resembled a certain flustered troll as well. To this, I had to grin. Might as well get used to it.

My head clocked sideways when I heard a familiar ding.

It only took a few seconds to get to the chair again compared to my sluggish movements toward the bathroom.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board FUCK -

- ectoBiologist has responded to the memo -

EB: what is this about?

CG: JUST SHUT UP. KANAYA SHOULD BE HERE SOON

EB: kanaya...?

CG: EGBERT. PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHE'S COMING TO HELP WITH YOUR FUCK UP.

EB: oh

- grimAuxiliatrix has responded to the memo -

GA: Hello John

EB: hi kanaya!

CG: ...

GA: Nice To Talk To You Too Karkat

GA: So I Have Heard That You Have Gone Through A Plethora Of Events Leading To This Peculiar Case Of Yours Now

EB: i guess so? i don't really know to be honest.

GA: I See.

CG: IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

GA: If I Am Correct Though You Have Woken Me Up Quite Early And Though I Have Only Done Just That You Wish For Me To Pull The Task Of Accessing My Knowledge Through A Slumbering Haze

EB: ...

CG: WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, I GUESS I FEEL LIKE A DOUCHE

GA: If That Is The Term You Wish To Use Then So Be It

GA: My World Of Choice Would Have Been Obnoxiously Inconsiderate

EB:...

EB: dude, you just got burned

EB: :B

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT

CG: DON'T FUCKING FORGET THAT I AM HELPING YOUR SORRY ASS

EB: ...

GA: If You Two Are Done Flattering Each Other With Pointless Jabs That Wont Help John

GA: Then I Would Like To Continue

EB: sorry kanaya...

CG: ...

GA: As I Was Starting To Examine From My Observations From Karkat You Appear To Be Transformed Into One of Our Species

GA: I Am Correct So Far?

EB: pretty much

GA: Then I Shall Continue

GA: I Have Heard Typical Cased Of A Troll And Human Switching Bodies But Not A Legitimate Human Advancing Into A Troll Overnight

CG: GREAT

CG: JUST FUCKING FANTASTIC

GA: Please Be Patient

GA: I Have My Suspicions Though On Who It Was But I Dont Know How To Reverse It Quite Yet

GA: I Will Have To Pull Research Later Today

GA: In The Meantime I Am Greatly Sorry To Say That You Will Have To Manage This Case Of Events

EB: gah...

EB: thanks kanaya

EB: i'll hide at home or whatever and watch con air :B

GA: That Wont Be Necessary John

GA: I Will Senf A Troll To Help You

GA: Presumably Karkat

GC: WHEN THE FUCK DID I VOLUNTEER?

GA: WHO SAYS I WANT TO EVEN HELP THIS FUCKASS?

EB: please karkat?

GC: FUCK NO

GA: It Is Either Going To Be You Or Vriska

GA: Whichever Is None Of My Adamant Concern But You Seem The Best Choice Karkat

I shudder at the thought of Vriska. I wasn't too fond of her after the game. She was kind of a cold sore that wouldn't go away, but every so often didn't really bother you. I don't know. It was some weird thing. Anyways, she was one of the main reasons we screwed up so badly. I don't really blame her though since most of the time she did try to help. But yeah, I didn't hate her, but I didn't necessarily like her either.

CG: FUCK

CG: FINE I'LL GO AN HELP HIS HAPPY ASS

GA: Wonderful

GA: With That I Will Leave And Continue My Interrupted Slumber

- grimAuxiliatrix has ceased responding to the memo -

CG: WELL FUCK FOR THE FIFTY MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME

CG: PREPARE A BED FOR ME EGBERT

CG: WHILE I GO PREPARE FOR HELL

EB: karkat wait!

CG: WHAT

EB: goodnight!

CG: ...

CG: GOODNIGHT JOHN

- carcinoGeneticist has closed the memo -

I sat on my hair, a grin plastered on my face. He called me by my first name in a nice manner! That is definitely something to remember! I giggled with my sudden giddiness. I wasn't too bothered by the sudden change in mood since it was better than utter depression right? I'm definitely right! Laughing, I spun in my chair and closed my eyes, bad thoughts forgotten.

I might enjoy this maybe!


	2. Chapter 2

_EDIT: I'm sorry but I couldn't help but lol at 69 views~ You know since it reminded me of Karkat and all~ hehe carry on~_

_Okay so I guess the first chapter kind of made me happy when I posted it :) I didn't expect any attention since my writing isn't all that good, but to the comments I got, thank you so very much! I appreciate everything I get whether it's criticism or praise :) Just knowing that people read my awful writing makes me smile - Easily happy_

_Umm...okay, as for things like updates? I'll try to make them as frequent as I can, but since I write my entire chapters in a notebook (normally work on it during school hours), it may take a bit, but no doubt in my mind says that you guys will definitely get a chapter a week if I can help it :) _

_Oh! Also! This is in Karkat's point of view! I like to take turns between John and Karkat so yeah... you will definitely know the difference from their language and all :) But yeah, another 5000+ word chapter haha~_

_Welp. Enjoy this and review if you so wish to do so! I'll be here writing the next event in this long fanfic :)_

_Disclaimer: No I do not own Homestuck~! that is all Hussie :33_

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I lean back and groan. What the fuck did I get myself into? Why the fuck did I agree to help this idiot, and for that matter, why me? Kanaya could have gotten off her lazy ass as well as everybody else! Gamzee could have even done it if he wasn't sober! But no it couldn't be them. It had to be me for fucks sake. This makes no utter fucking sense.

I ran a hand angrily through my disarrayed hair. I wasn't, or haven't been, sleeping for a while now. My body now thinks sleep is a foreign objects I need, but no longer really long for. Even if I did, I had nightmares so sleep didn't sound appetizing anyways. Even my goo of a bed didn't keep the nightmares away like it was supposed to. Instead it seems that the nightmares got a hell of a lot more vivid the longer I was in that thing. I guess there is something wrong with me, but that would just add to my list of genetic issues that have been piling since I was born and since I knew my blood color.

_Red_. Gog damn fucking candy red. It made me a freak to Alternia, but nobody knew it. The others used to, but long forgot it after the game. That game itself was a giant mindfuck that played with my emotions and friends. There now were friends that I used to trust, but no longer. I saw everyone of their true colors. I saw Vriska's insanity, Gamzee's lust for blood, and everything else in between. The fucking game didn't even make me forget like all the others. I was stuck in knowing more about the others than they know themselves. It was a giant fucking cluster fuck when I screamed something about them from the game that was either a secret or unknown. It was a fucking curse and shockingly, I haven't gone insane yet. Actually, I'd like to think myself as the most sane of everybody here, but I keep that thought to myself as per usual.

It was a relief whenever they forgot my eye color. I couldn't hide that fact. I couldn't deny that I was happy that they forgot that. They always were the ones to tease me and judge me differently. Everybody treated me differently, even my very on morail. The fact of my very eye color caused them to over-react about everything. The red fucking color was one of those bloods that were the lowest of the low. Only difference is that my color isn't technically on the fucking spectrum. The lowest is rust red. Not fucking candy red from a fucking lollipop. I was a mutant and it killed me whenever somebody would always say so. This was the very fucking reason that I remained distant with everybody now. I did it before and I'll do it again. That was the one memory from the game I didn't want repeating.

I suppose it was also a relief when they forgot my ancestor. They didn't care as much, well maybe Equius but that's besides the point. Distractions were present nonetheless and it was aggravating. Fucking distractions everywhere might have been the cause of our end. The end with bodies piling in every which way, blood gushing out in a full spectrum of the rainbow. I shudder heavily.

It was so different from our end; the original twelve of us. We almost finished the whole fucking session before Vriska and everybody else, me included, had to fuck things up. We were all alive then and yet we couldn't stop pressing the fucking buttons. There was no blood yet we were not fully satisfied with our situation. There wasn't any insane mindfucks either that would glare at us at every movement to calculate our very blood color. It was a good fucking session and we were the ones who got it. I would give just about everything to go back.

Pulling a weird thing from my dresser, I threw it on the bed. John told me that it was a draw-string backpack. It held a little green grub like creature on the front with a smile. To be honest, it scared the living fuck out of me. It was a little too happy, but whatever. It was a tool of storage that was convenient with my transportation methods. I really couldn't complain since it did it's duties well.

I returned to my dresser, pulling drawer after drawer to get my necessities. A few shirts here and the few pants there. Just enough to keep me okay. I don't think I'll be there too long, or I sure as hell hope not. I was just going to be there until John's weird fuck-up is back to normal. No more and no less. It wasn't going to be one of those pleasant fucking sleep-overs. It was strictly business.

It was humorous in the back of my mind as I kept assuring it. It was like I was telling lies since my mind sure as hell didn't believe me one bit. Sighing, I looked at my wall towards the sickle-shaped weapons. Maybe I should bring them just in case. What if something goes wrong? Better safe than so-

No. We were no longer in the game. I need to stop thinking about a fucking monster climbing my back every fucking second because it wasn't going to happen. We no longer have to worry about that. There wasn't going to be the destroying of hives anymore or any of those fucking bosses attracting our attention every time. We were home and everything was normal. Or at least that is what I have convinced myself. A few things have changed like Aradia back to herself with sight and all. It was different and I guess I can't really say unpleasant. It was just weird from the normal I guess?

Turning my head, I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulder, wincing slightly at the weight. Makes sense since my laptop and phone were in there too. Stupid heavy electronics.

I wasn't really looking forward to meeting the humans again. I mean yeah they helped us in the game and all, but they don't even remember doing so. They remember us trolls, but they don't remember what they did with us. I mean we don't even remember half the time, except me. I didn't really want to go there and look at all their surprised faces. I didn't want to have to explain myself and I sure as hell did not want to deal with half of the people there. I didn't want to hear the horrible raps of Dave fucking Strider and I didn't want to here the psychoanalysis of Rose. I didn't want to be hugged by the overly perky Jade or anything like that. At one point, I would be grateful to actually be able to see their fucking grins, but their not the same so I don't. The only reason I'm going there is for John.

It really should be Kanaya. She should be going there in my stead. She was better at communication and had a patient temper. She was just a lot better at this than me and I still find it rather fucking annoying that she couldn't go. She's been going there for a year now I think. The only reason though is so she and Rose can conduct research to recover their lost memories and such. To be honest though, they should just leave the scars be.

I sighed. Every fucking human and troll were as they used to. Vriska was ever annoying and just...her. Terezi still licked things for her sight. Tavros was still insecure and fucking stuttering half the time. Equius was still his sweaty, overly turned on self an Nepeta was still a rp-er. Everything was the same except there was no blood or gore to conceive. No bodies were piling up next to me that I would have to look at with every step. Everything was just as it was and as much as love it to a extent, I'm uncomfortable with it. They all are as fucking annoying and agonizing as they used to be, including the humans. The human were still insufferable little pricks. All of them except one.

John fucking Egbert.

He was just off. He never was as enthusiastic about his movies as he once was. He didn't protect his precious Nick Cage or his favorite movie Con Air. He never did any of that anymore and it was just weird. He was more conservative of his information as well. He wasn't carefree and it just bothered me. No, I will never admit that. Never in my fucking life. He was just off and without his normalcy, I felt like we weren't out of the whole deal yet. It was like that one anomaly that never fully was fixed. He never spoke of his friends and if he did, it was short and vague. Even through pesterchum, his answers seem forced. It's like he never wants to talk about them and gently tip-toes around the topic. He wasn't the windy idiot no more, but a fucking evasive boy who was hiding something. Maybe I'll find out when I go stay with him?

Fuck. This is making it seem like I have flushed feeling for him! That's fucking stupid! There was no way I would like a windy idiot like him in the remaining sweeps I had. I shake my head vigorously. No fucking way. My reddened face contradicted the denials though. I brought my hands up and clenched them before letting them fall limply to my sides. Gah, this was so fucking infuriating. I have no time to consider my emotions when I need to attend this business that I have handed to me. But maybe I could consider a little- no.

I can't think about this. Kanaya wanted me out of here and with John before 6 am in their time. I sighed and look outside at the Alternian sky. They were starting to get brighter as the dark blue was tinting towards purple and darker clouds glided across. I was going to have to hurry. Another fucking reason why Kanaya should go. She can be in the Gog damn sunlight as well as the fucking dark. I sigh grumpily and plop on the ground. This is so irritating. I rubbed my temples lightly as I tried to calm down. No need to get worked up over a little change. That was fucking pointless; a distraction.

Grinding my teeth, I got to my feet and walked towards the exit of my room. It wasn't really that big so it only took me a few steps. It was only big enough to hold me bed, my desk, my drawer, and a few other essentials. I didn't mind it. It worked for me. I wasn't like fucking Eridan who wanted the fucking largest room because of his hipster fucking royalty. What the fuck ever.

I hesitated at the door before grumbling and walking out. No time to act like a wriggler; Vriska would tease me for the sweeps to come. I already didn't like her so this would add to that ignorance. Her spiteful antics weren't something everybody liked. To be completely fucking honest, I have no idea how John survived her for so long.

...And we were back on the topic of John. My fucking mind needs to stop. I can't be thinking of him like that. My mind denied it though. It pulled pictures of John out of memory and I can't help but feel a small quirk at the corners of my mouth. Gog. No. Stop. I shook my head again and grumble at the floor as I continue to walk. Fucking jump scares when a picture pops in my mind and I have to ignore it with all my might. Stupid emotions playing tricks on me.

No matter how he did it, he still wouldn't say. It was a fucking mystery that just wouldn't be uncovered since John thought it was plain as fucking daylight. Maybe the fucking wriggler used ear muffs for her chatter and kind of skipped her messages? Fuck, who cares anyways.

I stomped over to Sollux's room. I know I have a short fuse that I should control, but I doubt stress is the cure. I mean, that's practically what I'm made of: stress, hatred, an anger. I act this way to mostly protect my blood color. I don't want to risk people getting too close. Nobody knows and if I can fucking help it, nobody will. My blood is a disgrace. It is mutant and not even a high mutant blood, but a low. It was the lowest of the low and if anybody found out, they might kill me. That's what they do to all the mutants. They get rid of them. Toss them out. Slice them up. Incinerate them. I honestly don't know how I survived the trials or how I managed to get a lusus who pitied me enough to take me under it's wing. Mutants like me should have been the first to die, but I was stronger than the others. I was more willed to live. Funny how I was fueled to live only to drown in misery now. That a fucking pathetic excuse of a life.

I blinked back my thoughts before knocking on Sollux's door. He should be up by now. He normally stays up this fucking late for his hacking activities; a habit I grew out of after the game. I stood at his door, impatiently tapping my foot and glaring at the door. Okay, he should be awake now. Doesn't mean he is. I was about to knock again, louder this time, when I heard something. I stopped and leaned in, ear to the door. Soon enough, I heard his stumbling foot steps as he opened the door a crack. He blinked a few times when he saw me with my arms crossed over my chest an a draw-string backpack on my shoulder. I rolled my eyes and pushed the door open to let me in. I heard his stumble and scoffed at his frown.

"KK, thith ith unexpected... Why are you up thith early? Fuck, why are you even up at all?" He glanced at his clock as to emphasize the question. I huffed and responded with my usual hint of annoyance.

"I need to go somewhere fuckass," I started then clarified more simply, "I need to use the transportalizer to reach the humans." I said humans with a tinge of distaste. It was a reflex of the matter since I guess it passed from me never really liking them. I could tolerate them, but only to a specific limit until I would snap. I didn't necessarily like them, but I don't feel blood-thirsty vengeance as well. It's just a case of mutual hatred.

"Why do you need to thee the humanth?" He asked before giving a smirk, "Do you have a pothible love intereth?"

My eye twitched in irritation as his smirk grew. Why can't I slap him? Please let me slap him. Or a punch in the shoulder even? Something to wipe that smirk from his features in a instant while reflecting my distaste in the subject. He was a fucking idiot but I couldn't turn to anybody else. He was the only troll that could work the troll technology successfully without any fault. If he wasn't, I sure as hell would not be here. He was just a fucking poser that I never got used to being around. Actually, if he wasn't the only on who could control this, I would be asleep, despite Kanaya's request.

"No idiot. I have business to fucking attend to," I replied venomously. He chuckled lightly at my reaction before walking over to his technology. Flashes of light appeared all over the room as his desktop came to life. I followed wearily to look over his shoulder. He glanced back at me before turning back to his screen, fingers moving all over the place to get the pad set up. After a minute, he gave me a thumbs up and I walked wearily over to the pad. Slowly, I got on. It glowed as I stepped on which made me uneasy from the past memories.

"Where to KK?" Sollux questioned slightly to myself. I shuffled slightly before answering.

"John Egbert."

Sollux peeked over at me with...was that fucking curiosity? I swear to fucking gog that I saw a glint on his fucking shades. I opened my mouth to question the look when he toned down the curiosity to a sort of worry. Looking at his screen again, he quietly spoke, "Don't be gone for too long KK. He hath been... rethless lately and might need the athithance of the morailigienth." With that, he transported me with the last look of mild fear and worry.

I remember seeing that same look, but in the game. I remember seeing everybody's face like that and I don't miss it. Even spider bitch was nervous and scared slightly. It was for a good reason though mind you. I still fucking shiver when I think of the scene. I still shake when I think how close to dying I was when I took the risk and doing my duties. I still want to clench my fists when I think of how I failed to stop it several times before. That moment is the cause of my awkward morailigence now and Sollux's worry just a fucking second ago. The look of a thin line for a mouth and a conserving look of wide eyes. The look of somebody witnessing the death of another. He didn't have a reason to give the look though...did he? My morail was still his weird, happy self as far as I have cared to see. He was still normal if that is what he is. I don't fucking know anymore and I would rather non dwell on the subject.

I looked around me to the familiar black abyss that accompanies the use of the transportalizer. My body was floating slightly as I couldn't feel anything under me or anything around me. It was just shadows. It was like limbo before you fucking land in heaven or hell from what I got from John and Dave. I don't necessarily enjoy this part, but it does help sometimes. For instance, sometimes I'm in the worst fucking mood of the fucking sweep and this line-less abyss allows me to scream and cry and just let out things. It allows me to clear my think pan of all this nonsense. I don't have a clue if anybody can fucking hear me, but nobody had commented about anything so I suppose not.

Don't get comfortable with the pros though. Plenty of cons surround this place as well. It gives me way to many minutes to myself. Way too much fucking time that causes me to go crazy. Crazy with talking to nothing but me. Crazy with not being able to express my emotions for all this time to nobody but a doppleganger in the mirror. I hate it. I fucking hate it, but I can't fucking control it. I can't even talk to anybody about it. They don't fucking remember. None of them. Even the insufferable pricks don't know a fucking thing. I've been suspicious of one of them, but since I would rather not let out any fucking weakness around him, I just ignore the temptation.

I feel the abyss light up and I close my eyes; emotions cut off the world around me. Your not supposed to leave you eyes open to the abyss when it loads your new backgrounds. If you do, you can go temporarily blind or worse. I can't think of anything worse than losing your sight though. That seems the worst besides utter death, but you can't die from a bright light unless it's something that is laser related or other. Gog, I have seen way to many movies. Anyways, most of us don't have to worry about it though. In Terezi's case, she's already blind so it doesn't really matter. To our case, it's kind of a reflex to do so. Something that our lusus's taught us when we were little and would sometimes see friends. Only fuckasses who don't know better actually keep their eyes open.

I lightly move around in the abyss as I await for the loading to finish, blindly floating. I didn't have to worry about going out of bounds or running into things. There was absolutely nothing here anyways so it was all well. I still didn't enjoy the length of time it takes to actually get from place to place though. It was annoying and frantically agonizing. I don't know, something about blackness around me just leaves me to thinking about Jack Noir. I'm afraid that he'll come out of nowhere and will strike me down to repay what we did to him. This is why I'm moving around in a fidgety way. Because of the fact that time ranges here, I could be here for seconds or hours and wouldn't know it. Hence was one of the many flaws of troll technology.

I sighed when my feet lightly landed on ground and crunched on top of the brown stuff here. I remember John saying it was something on the guidelines of grass. It was weird and straw like so it didn't hold too much likeness in it. I thought this stuff was supposed to be green though, not this ugly brown color. Well, at least I was out of the abyss that encased me for a while. Now a breeze constantly licked my face and tickled my nose and face. It felt weird as well, but nice.

Glancing about, I sigh once more. So this was their home now? From the looks of it, it appeared to be John's house actually, but with some changes here and there. Wonderful. It was practically alone in the charred remains of what used to be his neighborhood. The grass, as said before, was a sickly brown color that crunched with every step. Ashes were interwoven into each blade and it was a slightly displeasing sight to gaze upon. The house at least was a lot better; physical and apparel wise. For one, it was much more intact than the yard around it. The walls were white with a black door and a few black windows here and there. It was rather bland really. This fucking place was overall quite depressing.

I fumbled with the color of my gray turtle-neck before letting out a nervous breath. Wait, why was I fucking nervous anyways? It's only John fucking Egbert! It's only the idiot with the buck-tooth grin and the memorizing laughter. It's only the pink monkey human with the amazing blue eyes and the contagious optimism. It's only him, so why was I nervous? My blush soon answered the question for me and I covered my face in my hands immediately.

There was no way.

No fucking way.

Not in a million years.

Not in his dreams.

I wasn't feeling that weird emotion for him. I wasn't feeling that fucking quadrant close to the humans concept of love. I refuse this. I deny it. I reject this idea. I haven't felt this way since Terezi and that itself was a mistake. I shifted my weight to my other side before sighing heavily, dropping my hand to my side. I can't be feeling that way, right?

When did the emotion really pop up anyways? It was something that seemed to come up out of the blue, but I honestly don't know. Maybe I am just imagining this crush? No that's too fucking convenient, even for me. I have felt crushes before, more than once, but this one seemed utterly different and it scared me. I didn't want to feel that way. My mind was still with the game and it was scared that if I felt that way for somebody, that I would lose him in a instant and I would be in a state of depression. I couldn't handle that much stress. I couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle it on top of this fucking mess and I won't. I won't bring this up. If I'm lucky, this feeling I have will disappear in a matter of days. I fucking wish it would go away now, but I guess I can't fix what my heart has to fix. Fuck that sounded something that John would say. Fuck fuck fuck. No. I would also refrain from using fucking cheesy pick-up lines from horrible movies.

In slight denial, I walked up to the door and raised my fist. If I'm correct, everybody should be fucking sleeping right now. Everybody except John. Maybe I shouldn't knock that loud or else I'll have to deal with fucking Strider. I looked at my fist to the door and contemplated my movements. This was how the humans communicated their presence to those inside right? Shrugging, I gave a soft knock and waited. I didn't expect anybody to have heard my little knock. It was too soft for my liking and I was ready to knock harder.

I scoffed lightly when I heard the slight tip-toeing in the house. Egbert probably didn't want to wake up the others. I'm fine with that. I didn't want to deal with fuck ass strider, psychoanalysis Lalonde, or "Too perky" Harley. They were all so infuriating. Something about their carefree attitude made me angry yet I have no fucking clue why since it's better than fucking misery I suppose. Those three always got on my nerves no matter what mood they were in. Not that John wasn't as well! He was just less of a nuisance I guess? His personality was just something that calmed me down shocking to say. Fuck, was he annoying or was he? I don't know anymore now. Fuck. I groan once more as my dark crimson blush makes it's way to my cheeks.

Wait no! Go away you stupid fucking redness. No that does not mean get redder! Gog dammit I want you to go away! Fuck fuck fuck. Go away before -

Too late.

Before my blush even had the idea of disappearing, John had to open the door.

Except it wasn't exactly John. It was this weird troll that held a strikingly similar resemblance to the human. He wore the same glasses and the same dory clothes, but it wasn't exactly...John. The troll stared back at me with a scared face an a nervous grin. He looked like he wanted to run back to his respite block and never come out again. I couldn't help but give a little smirk and a greeting.

"And who the fuck are you?" I spoke through the smirk. The boy stared back a me in utter confusion and slight deflation. My smirk fell to be replaced by a thin, hardened line. Why do I feel like I screwed up here?

"Y-you don't recognize me?" The troll spoke, tears welling up in his eyes; his big eyes sky blue with yellow around them.

_Fuck._

This is why I felt like I screwed up. Those eyes were most definitely the same as Johns. It was the same blue that I enjoyed, the same ones that now lay empty. I just fucking screwed up with John and fuck he wants to cry. Gog dammit. Why couldn't I apologize to him? All I could do was remain silent. I just remained a quiet fucking mouse and observed other John markings. His voice was the same. The same happy tone, except now saddened by my fucking choice of words. His buck-teeth were there except they were trying to stop his lips from quivering. Everything in front of me shouted John and I ignored it.

"I-I'm sorry John. I thought you were..."

"Someone else right?" he finished, laughing humorlessly. His eyes stared back at me, empty and upset. They were silently accusing me even though he wasn't doing it consciously. I wanted to slap myself. I wanted to pull a fucking 2x face palm combo or some shit like that. I was a fucking idiot. He was a troll. He fucking told me this over pesterchum. How did that simple fucking fact slip through my mind? He's emotional and fucking overwhelmed and I did nothing but rip open the already bleeding wound. Gog fucking dammit.

Sighing heavily, I pulled the shaking boy into a hug. It was only that since my voice would most fucking definitely betray me. I just let the hug happen so I could relay my apologies without having a fucking voice crack or spilling my stupid feelings. It didn't take long for him to react though. He immediately started to wrack sobs throughout his entire body as he held onto my shirt. His face was buried in the fabric, but his little hands just tightened around the gray fabric as it got soaked. I didn't mind it though. Fuck, I was the cause of this! For fucking once, I felt guilty. I felt horrible for my foul-mouth and for my "obnoxiously inconsiderate" mind as Kanaya would have stated coldly. I just wanted him to smile and not be a fucking puddle in my arms. Silently, I moved my hand up and down his back, cautiously leaning my head on his.

Wait, what?

I scooted back a bit to glance at him. To my surprise, and utter amusement, he seemed to be much shorter than me. That in itself is a feat that nobody would ever accomplish and yet here was little Egbert a foot shorter than when I last spoke to him face to face. I was fucking happy of course as a mischievous smirk played across my lips. I may take this to my advantage with teasing. Maybe I can bring a smile to his darkened face after all? Chuckling softly at his confused face I concluded something in my mind.

_John has no idea what's coming._


	3. Chapter 3

_Oh my gosh this chapter turned out so long! I wrote about 13 pages front and back for this chapter but I didn't expect it to be over 8000 words o.o_

_Hmm...well, I'm writing chapter 4 right now and chapter 5 is being written in my notebook. I only have one more exam to do! I can't wait! :D I'm excited but not so much :/_

_Anywho, I am glad that this fanfic is getting a view here and there :D It makes me happy, but before I get sappy I want to throw in a funny homestuck thing I found out. You know how like 4/13 is a recurring number throughout homestuck? Haha, I look at this fanfics favs/follows at it happens to be 4/13 :3 I laughed at that honestly :D_

_Oh! Chapter 6 is going to be a interesting little surprise I think! My friend/ temporary beta and I have been deciding it and I think it will be a nice change when I finish it :D It may take longer than the other chapters to update though since I'm going to want to get that chapter perfect~_

_Well, that's it I suppose :) Enjoy this lovelies~_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck, that's Hussie for ya_

_Ciao~_

* * *

Upon hearing the soft rap of knuckles hit the front door, I quietly ran down the stairs. I know "quiet" and "run" are practically hard to see together, but I managed well as it was still as quiet as it was when I was walking. My toes would gently touch each step for a second before lifting and you could still drop a pin and hear it drop. Thank goodness. If Dave or Rose were to wake from my supposed rowdiness, I would have surely been scolded for my reckless abandon...if they didn't freeze from my change in character. I still wasn't sure how they would react. Half of my mind was saying that they would accept me without change, but the other side said there would be changes that would consequently break ties that I once held onto so firmly. I feared that the most. I didn't wish for change and would rather today be like any other day, except I knew that it wouldn't be. I knew that something was going to end, but that something was also going to begin. I guess you can say it was instinctual?

Of course my horrible side won the battle of influence as I shuddered lightly at the pictured faces of Dave and Rose with disgust and utter anger. A small voice in the back of my head whispered hesitantly that it was all my imagination, but I ignored it. I know I should have listened to it. It was much more rational than the side that made itself known currently. That side laughed out preposterous ideas. It said I would be kicked out, thrown to the streets so to speak, and I believed it readily. Would they do that? They are my friends so of course the wouldn't, but would this change their minds? What if they thought that this wasn't me? Would they even trust me? I know I wouldn't. I know that I would suspect the person immediately with suspicion. At one time I might have accepted the change and would want to know more. Fear is a tangible substance though in ones mind as myself. It has mutated everything with it's silvery touch. I may have felt trust at one time, but now it's hard for me to let that emotion even surface to the ones I love most.

No. Quit thinking that way John. Come on. You know that that will never happen! They are your friends and always will be. The thoughts before are utterly irrational and don't hold any evidence to the accusations. This change wouldn't even phase the past Dave and Rose. The past pesterer's that I fought with and the ones that I laughed with. The ones that I held the backs of and the ones I hugged with relief. The both of them were so precious to me and I would do anything for them like they would to me. They would risk their lives for me. I would to the same for them if I could, but I can't. They are long in the past with the rest of them. I couldn't protect them. They were the ones I laid to rest from the battle with Jack Noir. I let them gain the end and I couldn't do nothing but lay there, dead and comatose to the world around me and the death that flew in the air.

They are not completely out of my mind though. I still see them in my friends today and as much as I hate it, I compare the two points of time. I compare the personalities and my mind always states that they look the same but without the events of Sburb, they are not the same. It's cruel to say that the pessimist side of my head likes to think of them as empty husks. I try not to personally and successfully don't. At least they are alive. I keep telling myself that. At least they are breathing and being ironic or overly observant. At least they smile their buck-tooth grin and act extra happy.

_At least they are not on the cold, dried ground with crimson rivers flowing out of their pale, bruised skin and empty eyes staring up at me._

I quickly end my train of thought as I almost tripped over a step, grabbing the rail to steady myself. Shaky breaths came from my mouth as I tried to cease my racing heart. Thinking in the past is dangerous upon itself. I promised to myself that I wouldn't do it. I shook my head and finished the last step with caution, walking towards the door.

I hesitated at the knob and scolded myself for it. It's just Karkat! It's just one of my best friends that weren't on Earth. It's only the one person that always sees through my pretense. I hung my head slightly. Maybe it's for the simple reason that I have practically lost a foot and a half of my original height. I gave a ghostly smile to that before letting it slip at the other option. What if I was ashamed for this?

No. That can't possibly be it! Why was I even thinking such a idea as that. Ha ha.

Oh no...

I suppose I actually am.

The room sounded so much more appetizing now than the door at this moment. It sounded like heaven that I could all but skip up to right now, but I shouldn't. I was already inching towards it, but my hand was on the knob still. I sighed and opened the door. Everything was silent. Was I holding my breath or was he breathing real loudly? His breathing was so uneven as if he just took some big battle and didn't really win. He was flushed as well. Was he angry at me? Oh no. What if my looks made him angry at me with the disgrace of my existence? I can't make the one person who may understand me most get angry at me! I stared back timidly at him with scared eyes playing a mask. My lips were in a line, buck-teeth out, as I felt anxiety creep on. It was silent. It was still so quiet that I could drop anything and it would resound the interaction. I hated this silence most. Oh God did I hate this silence.

Almost inaudibly, Karkat let out his breath and evened his breathing slightly. I sighed as his cheeks turned to normal and was prepared to smile when I saw a look in his face. It was such a weird look, but I couldn't place it. I mean, it perked my interest slightly, but not positively. It held on firmly as I saw the smirk play across his lips. My interest rose to worry. Silently pleading for it to mean well, I prepared for the worst.

I didn't prepare enough.

"And who the fuck are you?"

A smirk was still there. The smirk that I was so confused about mere seconds ago. The smirk that scared me with intensity. I understood why I was so frightened now. That look wasn't his typical smirk, but something else. It was something cold that was at the bottom of my empty stomach, burning my insides.

It was the look of nonrecognition.

I hate to say that I nearly broke down right there. I would hate to say that I didn't stand firm and take the critical moment like a man. I did though. I did break down though it was in phases. It was in pathetic phases that started with my face first. I could feel my bottom lip tremble and I jammed my buck-teeth into them. It didn't help the issue though. In all actuality, the pain made my lip tremble harder and tears spring to my eyes. Why couldn't I not be a baby for once? I was probably a train-wreck right now compared to my perkiness earlier. I could just imagine my face...

_"Y-you don't recognize me?"_

The stutter. That freaking stutter and voice crack. Great. Why now of all times do my emotions have to take a downfall? I suppose an easy way to explain them is to say that they are just mood swings though for the most part I'm like I was washed of my memories. Right now. This moment. It was the few hours, or days, that were nothing but full emotional upbringings. The tears hadn't fallen yet, but they were threatening to. I wanted to run to my room and lock the door so I could cry alone. I didn't want anybody to see this. Too late to bite them back. It was too late to smile sheepishly and blame it on the exhaustion that I wasn't feeling. It only made it ten times worse when I saw his smirk fade to a hard line. I couldn't do anything right could I?

I didn't trust my voice. I didn't trust it not to give my emotional state right now. I didn't trust it not to betray me with it's horrible cracking tone. I just used my eyes. I trained them to look indifferent though right now they are probably letting bits of sadness seep through. I grimaced when my vision started to get blurry with salty water about to fall. I let a soft sniffle out with much regret as I saw him flinch at the notion. I'm such a wriggler with how much inexperience I am showing with emotions. This went against what I stood for. I wasn't supposed to let this seep through my exterior.

I could feel the thin tributaries stream down my face as the extended silence only got longer. I couldn't hold back the water in my eyes since that was the only barrier that broke through with emotion. The tears kept rolling, dripping from my chin whenever they lingered at their end. I was about to actually bring my blue sleeves to my face when I felt Karkat gently pull me towards him. It was a soft touch as he tugged me to his chest. The next thing I knew I was engulfed by warmth. It was the warmth of a beating heart and the warmth of tenderness. It was legit warmth and it felt nice. It conveyed so many emotions the act did. It told so many things that the actor couldn't dare speak. It spoke volumes to me in those few seconds. It was full of understanding and apologies. I guess what happened next couldn't be helped could it?

I'm ashamed to say that the simple action meant to save me only made me cry harder. It was no longer just a few tears trickling down my face, but rivers and waterfalls. Heart wrenching sobs squeezed out of my chest as they were choked up out of me. Oh no. I'm letting my emotions get a hold of me. I can't let this happen. This can't happen.

But the unthinkable did happen. I was in pieces in my best friends arms. What's worse is that I grabbed onto the person trying to convey apologies and sympathy. My tiny grey fists grabbed Karkat's darker grey shirt in little fistfuls. They tugged my face towards the fabric to hide my stained face. I don't know why I didn't back away or run to my room. I can't explain why I didn't just back up and smile a sheepish grin. All I knew was that he was warm and right this instant, that was what I really needed more than anything. Something about him told me that I wasn't alone in the deja vu filled world. Something in the back of my mind screamed that he can be trusted; that he was in the same boat as I. My mind was saying so many things then, but the most noticeable statement was that he seemed to be hiding something.

He was different than he used to be. Only the Karkat in my session knew this was one of the few ways to stop my ongoing tears so how did he know what to do? Coincidence?

My mind rambled as I stood there shaking. _My cover is blown. My pretense is shown. My troubles are sewn._ Why can't I stop? I need to stop. I need to recide this simple misunderstanding so he doesn't worry. Nobody is supposed to worry. Not him or anybody is supposed to see me like this. Only I can see me like this. Only the nightmares and I can reveal this emotion to none other than us. It was private. If it was private what was it doing being shown publicly? _I was uncovered by emotion. I was revealed by a notion. I was opened by a motion._ I can't be like this! I have never been like this. This is the first time and yet I don't know why it's happening now. My fists won't let go. My tears won't stop. My face won't lift. _I was shattered to oblivion. I was broken to a million. I was lost to the forsaken. _

_I was no longer a thick mask of hiding._

I jumped slightly when I felt a hand trace my back in comforting images. It didn't feel weird like it was supposed to for me. It felt normal and familiar. It felt way too familiar and it was about to cross into the zone of the past. Was I just imagining the familiarity though? I don't know. I didn't regret the comfort though. I actually kind of embraced it as much as my mind screamed to run. I wasn't some random stranger, but someone else. It was more like...somebody who never left me. It felt like somebody who knew me for a decade which was atrocious since I have only been speaking for Karkat here for about a year. I knew him longer in the past and that part was the side that told me he was different. Maybe I'm still imagining this?

I didn't trust my mind or my heart. I didn't trust my emotions or myself. I don't know why, but I didn't. All I knew at that moment was that I was being a wriggler and Karkat is acting like he has been comforting me since forever. He's acting like he did when he knew I was about to go over the deep end, like Rose did, with stress and loss. He's acting like he did when we were best friends in Sburb.

I didn't want him to move though. I didn't want him to let go, but he had to.

I almost let out a painful whimper when he backed away, but I ceased it immediately as it crept up my throat. What am I thinking? I've stated for years the whole "No Homo" chant, but my mind isn't acting on it. It wants me to go to Karkat and wrap my arms around his neck and-

No. I'm not supposed to get close to anyone, not anymore. This isn't _my_ Karkat even though he is one. I should never let my emotions cloud my judgment of what I should and shouldn't do. I shouldn't be clashing old memories with the present ones. It would only hurt to split them up again.

My mind argued with me. _But you feel different about Karkat._ No I don't. He is only a friend. He will always be my friend. He will never get close to me anymore than that. _He is still the same._ No he is not. He is completely different. He hasn't been stained by Sburb and the haunting memories like I have. He is still pure. He isn't scarred and I'm grateful for that. _But doesn't he make you feel better?_ He...He does, but that's what friends do. They help one another. That's it.

I clamped down my thoughts real quick before judging him slightly. He still looks the same considering all of the sweeps - years that have passed. He still has a messy, black mop for hair as well as little nubby horns that refused to grow. I would never admit saying that I always thought they were cute. A glance at his mouth showed that his teeth were still normal and unchanged like his height (he didn't look like he gained a inch!). He didn't look too different, but maturity was in there. It screamed about him as his posture settled and his glare looked at me for a moment. He just _looked_ older, but still slightly adorable...

Oh no mind! What are you thinking up there? I can't be thinking those awful thoughts about him. Not now and certainly not ever. In a sort of resentment I squeezed my eyes shut and fumbled with my slim fingers. No. What was that just now about the adorable thing? What were those weird thoughts? Whatever they were, I needed to quit it. I can't get attached. Not in this way or any way. It- It's not healthy to do so. If I lose them again, I wouldn't recover this time. My shattered pieces would remain on the ground with no glue to stick them on again. I would be a unfinished piece of work, a shattered vase, a doll that lost her head in a moments rough handling. I just wouldn't be here anymore, but glued to the past in a haze of loss.

I barely recovered last time and even then I am still slipping. No more of these thoughts. I just can't bare them.

I looked up when I heard a light chuckle. Karkat's face was still slightly flushed, but he was smirking now. It was a normal smirk that showed amusement at something. Not at anything either, but me. I shuffled my bare feet and looked up at him with curiosity. Was there something on my face? I wasn't sure if red tears stained troll skin or not so maybe there was? My tears were gone though.

I quickly came to the realization that Karkat made me cease my red runs. He had stopped my blubbering and just didn't even say anything. He didn't do anything but hug me. He didn't say anything but breathe. He didn't show anything, but the circles that were drawn on my back. He did absolutely nothing and ended my breakdown.

I offered a actual smile in return to his help. My buck teeth showed readily with the simple gesture, missing being shown. I could feel the happiness in it. I could sense that it was exactly as it used to be. I rarely give these anymore so I don't know why it came easily. It was just natural I guess? It still didn't make sense since I had issues giving it to Dave, Rose, or Jade. Maybe it was a lucky try?

Karkat's smirk slipped to be replaced by a blush, dark red and growing. His eyes widened a bit before he shook his head, clearly denying something. I giggled into my hands lightly and again saw the crimson flow to his cheeks, this time with chagrin. Giggles were so much easier to give than smiles. I gave them all the time, but this one was more pure it seemed. Karkat averted his gaze from me only for I to laugh again. It felt good to laugh! Karkat was being really cute... in a non-homosexual way of course! How could it be meant otherwise, right? Haha. Oh goodness what was I thinking? It was my turn to blush, but I didn't let his earlier expression leave this Earth. No, I teased him for it.

"W-What's the matter Karkat? You seemed a little," a giggle, "cherry red there for a second!"

I felt a grin tug on the corner of my mouth at his obvious discomfort and embarrassment. His face looked forever red by now. It was flushed with his blood and his eyes were looking everywhere, but me. He looked like he wanted to curl into a ball and disappear. It was a little adorable honestly.

"S-Shut your atrocious protein chute John! It's nothing! P-Probably this fucking whether or something like that..." he grumbled.

I laughed and then stopped, my grin just shining now, "John?"

If it was even possible, Karkat's face got redder. It was like a tomato, cherry, apple red lollipop with black hair and horns. I laughed again and grabbed his wrist, noticing the slight stumble in his step as I tugged him inside the house. I knew that if I didn't pull him in, he would've been content staying on the porch with his reddened face.

It only took one tug to pull him in really, but with my harsh decrease in size, it felt like I was pulling a car! Did my strength leave while I wasn't looking as well? Looking down at my outfit, I noticed I wasn't wearing my blue God Tier outfit. I guess noticing such was a reflex though it was pointless. I never wore the damn thing after the game. I never touched it's smooth blue surface now tainted with color. I never sighted it's discolored figure and I never wore it for anything. I never showed it to anybody nor did I talk about it. It was never washed since people would notice and who knows what would happen on seeing it?

I had my reasons why.

It's the only evidence that says that my nightmare wasn't a dream. It's the only evidence that contradicts the entire thing. It was like a cold sore that wouldn't leave no matter how much I try and every time I look at it, it was like pouring salt on top. It doesn't aggravate me so much as it just saddens the emotions. I haven't looked at it in about a year. It stays hidden behind everything. My clothes, my boxes, and my memories. Hidden in the dark shadows that consume me slowly, resenting the moment where I force them to recede. They follow me eagerly, wanting me to place the thing on, but I will never do that unless I have a reason. I know for a fact that the reason shall never pop up though.

I blink when I see a grey hand in front of my. It took a while before I realized there was a voice as well though in a ferocious whisper.

"John! Hello?"

I moved away quickly and flinched from Karkat, hands reaching for a hammer I didn't have. I hastily got into a defensive crouch, eyes full of fear and vacancy. My hands shook violently in front of me as I looked at Karkat. I know it's pitiful, but it's just something that never left me once the game ended. A defense mechanism that proceeds to drive people away. I liked to call them episodes since that is what they were. They were horrible things that I regret having as soon as I know I am. That's what's worse than having them: not knowing I was safe until I was moments of hours ahead. I never quite remembered having them either though my friends explained them quite a bit when I did. I always felt horrible and the fact that every time I had them Dave always was on top of me as I gained my mind back was pretty bad. Nobody could really snap me out of it. I couldn't even force myself to wake up either. My mind set was in a state of survival of the fittest and it scared me. It scared me because of the fact that I can't stop. It scared me because I know that they won't go away.

I feared the worst in the rational part of my mind. I feared that Karkat would just raise his arms and walk out of the door in stomps. I feared that he would just leave and never come back. I didn't want him to leave, but I couldn't stop this. I can't wake myself up from this slumber without aid and nobody has been able to do that but Dave.

Karkat didn't act like the rest though. He acted like he was used to it. He acted like he knew exactly what to do. The back of my mind wondered aimlessly if he actually did while I watched him wearily. He didn't walk near me nor did he reach out to me. He didn't send me any glares of pity, worry or sympathy. He just stood there. He stood there and eyed me as I did to him. His hands were at his sides clenching and not as the time wore on. He was a little tense in his posture as his weary glance watched me.

It was like that for a few minutes. It was like that for a while, or at least that is what it felt like. It felt like I was there for hours on end. It felt like I was going drown in this speechless air. It was torturous and weird. It was full emotion yet it held none. We were just staring at each other so how were we conveying emotion? We were like grey statues studying each other until one of them breaks under pressure. He used indifference and I used fear. We moved our chess pieces as the time wore on to see who would crack first and who would move the king. We waited patiently for the other to break the silence.

It was him who did it.

Turning slowly, as if he didn't want to startle me, he walked towards my stance, "John. It's me, Karkat. It's fucking beep beep meow and all that. Remember that? The stupid name you gave me when you were even more of a wriggler than now? Please think John. I'm your friend, the one whom you called to come over? Calm down and look into my eyes. You know for a fact that I never want to hurt you. You know in the thinkpan of yours that I just want to end this as much as you. I really don't want to call fucking Strider to deal with your scary ass," he paused for a moment before whispering, "we are no longer in the game. We are safe."

That's all that broke me. Those last few words. The back of my mind tried to say something that I was far to exhausted to hear right now. Those words were all that it took to release me from the clutches of the past. The bonds were broken for now and I could feel my muscles actually become mine again.

I blinked and looked down at my hands and up at Karkat who was now only a foot away. I was horrified. I wanted to hide under my blankets. I wanted to cry just when I got done. How could I have let this happen? How could I have let Karkat just see that? Now he's going to expect that and worse from me. He's going to expect me to break down so much when I don't! This impression of me is not good and I don't know what to do to fix it! I felt my knees grow weak and I stumbled slightly. It was normally like this after a episode. A wave of weakness would normally hit causing me to fall. Not every time was there someone to catch me though.

This was different though.

As I stumbled forward and fell, I felt strong hands catch me and lift me up. I was blushing furiously now, trying to scramble out of his arms, but to weak to do so. I couldn't even struggle as he pulled me to his chest once more, more so for balance than anything. Warmth engulfed me and I turned to putty in his arms. I was again in his arms for reasons that I couldn't control and for reasons I am ashamed to admit. I was weak and still am, but now I have to drag Karkat with me. What type of person am I? No friend does this to his friends! No friend drags the other into the dark abyss that they are in!

I couldn't object to the warmth though. I couldn't back away and let this be. I was stuck to the miles of heat around me.

After a few moments, I gave up and started to conserve my strength. I let my mind take over to scold me for my recklessness. How could I have let this happen? Nobody should have seen that. What would Karkat think of me? I was afraid to check. What if it was pity that was present on his face? I barely resisted the urge to shake. No John. I can't do that. I shouldn't be adding more fuel to the already blazing fire.

A few minutes passed (I think?) before I got the courage to look up. I was still lightly holding onto his shirt, now slightly stiff from settling tears. I knew that I would have to crane my neck up to see his face. I practically grew, but in the opposite direction! I still didn't want to do it though. I didn't want to see the expression play across his face. I didn't want to see the pursing of lips as he studied me with caution. I didn't want to see the hardened line as he judged me with worry. I didn't want to see his face go emotionless with a pokerface. I just didn't want to see what he was making towards my episode. I didn't know if he was upset, worried, angry, or otherwise. I didn't know if he was prepared for it or if it was unexpected. I didn't know if he actually wanted to leave right now but stayed to hold me. I had no choice though. I needed to explain myself. I owed him at least that.

Breathing deeply, I looked up and observed silently.

He did have a emotion on his face, but it wasn't what I expected. It was a emotion that I never thought anybody would have towards seeing my act. His expression told something that would have made me laugh at any other circumstance. It was one of embarrassment and utter anger. It was amusing to see his face twitch as time wore on. He seemed oblivious to my observations, though I know he was very aware of myself in his arms. Maybe that's why he is upset or something?

This was a action that went on without notice for some time. He wasn't showing anything though. He wasn't giving me a sign that he acknowledged me nor did he give me a sign that he was fully aware. He was staring at the wall with daggers as if they were the reason this predicament was happening. I almost let out a slight pout when he slowly collected his emotions to a pokerface. He was slowly closing his book of emotions from the world and I suppose I didn't want it to go? I did sigh in relief though when he didn't look down at me immediately. I was content just watching him from my lenses. Of course it was that little action proved to be a mistake as he paid immediate attention to me.

My face warmed up immediately. Oh goodness I should have kept quiet. Now he seems to be more annoyed if anything, maybe a little worried. Me and my adamant liking to expressing myself. Stupid sigh. Blargh.

"S-Sorry," (damn you stutter) I mumbled, face reddening as I looked down at his chest again I was fumbling with his shirt as I waited for a yell or something of similarity. I silently traced his sign on his shirt and trained my eyes over it, learning the symbol that I already knew by heart. My hands continued to grip the shirt and of course it was then that my consciousness had to hit.

_Wait, what am I doing? Why am I not moving away? I could do it. Well, maybe. I don't know how much strength I have, but surely I have enough to stand on my own! Walking is a iffy, but I shouldn't be this close to him. I shouldn't even be hugging him this long. I mean well I know it's only comfort, but I don't need it! I don't need the worry or pity. Ah, why can't I do anything right! I'm probably sending mixed signals right now. I wonder what I feel like to him. Do I seem bi-polar? Maybe. Wait, what would that be known in Alternia? Would it be like bi-trollar or something atrocious like that? Oh goodness, don't get off topic John! Get a hold of yourself and move away while he's to quiet to do much. Maybe I should try to move away, to see if I have the strength._ I move away slightly, but I couldn't even take a step. _Well, this sucks. I am still weak from the onslaught of action._ I sigh heavily.

"S'Alright," he mumbled, "Don't move though fuckass. I'm going to have to rotate myself so we can attempt to get up those cursed stairs."

I nodded quickly , not trusting my voice. I never trusted the thing when I need to speak most since it always betrayed me in some way. It could stutter or die out and then where would I be? I would be buried in skepticism. It seemed that Karkat didn't mind the inaudible manner in which I agreed on. He didn't seem angry anymore so much as annoyed at everything else but me. I guess it's sad that it jarred me? I don't know. I was so used to the onslaught of insults along with yelling or screaming at the top of his longs. I didn't expect this. I surely did not expect this calming stranger in his stay.

He looked at me before moving a step back, hands on my shoulders to hold me steady. I could feel my knees wobble and I cursed them for it. I hate being weak even though you'd think I'd be used to it. I just tried to keep my eyes of off it as I watched Karkat through my glasses, stained red. He was giving me a look that told me that he was about to move. I nodded hesitantly as I started to go a little pale with the over-exertion. Silently, he moved around me to where he was at the right of me. I moved my hands quickly so I could grab his arm. I felt a sigh leave my lips as I felt secure of not falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. I didn't think of his reaction though and held my breath when he went stiff. It was a moment before he relaxed.

"One step at a time alright?" He spoke roughly, "No need to hurt your ass just to get to your room. Strider would be out in a fucking moment and I rather not deal with his egotistical ass. He would fucking slice me in half."

I chuckled softly, "Okay."

Seriously? That's all I can say? Not a thank you for helping me or a sorry for the episode, back there? I was utterly useless in the points of my social life. I still have a long way to go and yet nobody can speed it up. Dave tried and he gave up on it a long time ago. It was still amusing though on how he would try to give me tips on "being cool".

After a few minutes we managed to get up the stairs with little complaint from either of us. Actually it was pretty silent. He would take a step and then would help me up before doing the process over again. It was nice and quite time-efficient. I still didn't even speak though, despite the humorous emotions he gave. For one, I was to shy and slightly frightened to speak. For him, it seemed to be that he was holding a more potent grudge. Had I caused it? Did my actions finally drive my best friend away from me? Tears no. Stop. I absolutely forbid you from flowing. I'm already a emotional wreck as is! I can't be stacking issue after issue like I did with my old stack modus. I can't be stacking a problem or a secret one after the other because, like a stack modus, I will run out of slots , or in this case my mind, and a secret will fly out. I can't let that happen. I can't let them show. This is why tears you have to stay at bay. Stay there and wallow in self pity because you will not run down my face. Do not well in my eyes. Do not reveal yourself because I can't hide you now. It's impossible to hide my tears now.

My bright red tears.

Reluctantly, my tears seemed to have complied. I refused the sigh that came my throat and lead Karkat to my room albeit a little shaky. Once in my room, I turned to shut the door quietly. Karkat went to sit on my bed. I didn't want to turn around. This seemed to be a constant conflict. I was afraid of confrontation and and the same time, I wished somebody would pull me aside to ask if I was alright. Karkat was more so leaning towards the fear. What if he asks about...that? That seemed like a likely start of a conversation thanks to my lovely antics. They had to show then of all times and as much as I hated it, I couldn't take it back. They were forever stuck in our memories. What if he understood though? I shook my head rapidly. No. I didn't want to face him either way. I didn't know at this point if it was shame or embarrassment.

"Are you going to stare at the door all day like it's your fucking life line or are you going to come over here? Kanaya wanted me to make another memo when I got here. If I'm correct, and I'm pretty sure I am, she should be awake now so let's get it over with."

I jumped at Karkat's voice and nodded, quickly stumbling over to my laptop. I head Karkat grumbled behind me as he rummaged through his back pack for whatever. Silently, I peeked over as he pulled out the phone I gave him last he came down. We gave all the trolls cell phones actually. They all had Jade, Dave, Rose, and my number programmed in them. Sollux said that he would be able to place a station in his room so we could use them from here to Alternia. It was a really easy way to connect and a little hilarious when they got confused several times by the controls. Knowing that Karkat still had his made me smile slightly before turning back to my laptop and uploading Pesterchum. Sure enough Karkat had made a memo.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has opened a memo on board OKAY NOW WHAT -

- ectoBiologist has responded to the memo -

EB: okay! i'm present

CG: OBVIOUSLY I CAN SEE YOU FROM HERE

EB: i just wanted to say it

EB: :(

CG: FINE WHATEVER

EB: :B

- grimAuxiliatrix has responded to the memo -

GA: Hello John and Karkat

GA: I Presume You Have Made It There Safe And Sound

GA: And With As Little Frequent Disturbances As Possible

EB: hi kanaya!

EB: and yep! he's here with me with practically a dark cloud of his head.

EB: he's being really grumpy :(

CG: STOP ANSWERING FOR ME

CG: I'M FULLY CAPABLE FOR SPEAKING FOR MYSELF

GA: Excuse Me

GA: Karkat Please Cease With Your Disconcerting Antics

GA: I Quite Frankly Have No Time To Be A Couples Counselor For The Both Of You While We Have This To Discuss Even More So

EB: wait huh?

EB: me and karkat are not a couple

EB: we are just friends!

GA: Excuse Me Then John

GA: I Have Clearly Mistaken You Two For Another Quadrant It Appears

EB: it's all good! i was just a little taken back i guess since i don't even know where the idea came from

EB: how do we seem like a couple?

EB: oops.

EB: nevermind don't answer that question

EB: go on kanaya :)

GA: Karkat Are You Still With Us

EB: yep he is! he seems really flustered though

EB: he looks like a really red lollipop right now

EB: as he also did in the previous hour he has been here

EB: i don't think the color has even died down since i first saw him!

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT

CG: I DO NOT LOOK LIKE ONE OF YOUR HUMAN SUGARY FOODS

CG: I WAS JUST SPEECHLESS BY THE ABSURDITY OF THE ASSUMPTION

EB: hehe whatever karkat

GA: Now That The Issue Is Settled

GA: The Assumption You Claim Was Simply A Method Of Attraction So I Could Retain Your Flighty Mind To This Memo And The Situation At Hand Rather Than To Your Questionable Antics With A Certain Individual

CG: YEAH WHATEVER

CG: JUST HURRY UP SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH AND I CAN GO BACK TO SLEEPING

GA: Very Well

GA: I Shall Oblige To Your Childish Command Even Though You Are Not In The Current Hierarchy To Do Such

GA: Is John A Troll As He Stated Earlier

CG: YEAH. THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY FUCKING THINK PAN THAT THIS TROLL DORK IN FRONT OF ME IS JOHN DERPY EGBERT

EB: :(

GA: I See Well That IS All That I Wish To Converse For Now With The Two Of You

GA: John Would You Please Leave The Memo

GA: I Have Some Important Matters To Discuss With Karkat And Although I Would Normally Think It Valuable For You To Retain Here For This Conversation I Have Been Asked Not To

GA: I Hope That No Hard Feelings Are Imposed

EB: okay

EB: no feelings are broken!

EB: it's alright kanaya, i know that you trolls have to speak with each other every so often :)

EB: well it was nice talking to you kanaya!

- ectoBiologist has ceased responding to the memo -

I frowned slightly at the light dismissal and silently sucked the inside of my cheeks in thought. Backing away from the desk, I swiveled my chair until I was facing Karkat and his slumped figure as he read intently what was on his screen. My brows furrowed while I brought my knees up to my chest. My eyes trained Karkat's figure as my minds thoughts got jumbled up, troubled.

What were they talking about? Whatever it was, it troubled Karkat as his brows furrowed and his shoulders hunched slightly. He also nervously bit his lip lightly before glancing up at me with legit worry. Oh no. This is not good. They can't be talking about me can they? What if they are? This isn't good. That means I let my cover slip. That means my pretense was seen through. This means my mask has been broken. I gently rubbed my wrists together, scars on scars. I did this when stress hit because I couldn't preform the act unless Dave wasn't around. I can't let them be worried though. I can't let them get concerned and I can't let them show any signs of skepticism. If they worry than they will expect an explanation. I can't give it. I can't give an explanation because they won't understand. I know they won't. They'll give me a look of pity and I can't take that. They would succumb me to a psychiatrist and I can't deal with that. They'll try to help me when in reality I'm getting worse. I can't let them worry. Not again. Overall they just won't understand what I have been through. My breath started to quicken as my arms tightened around my legs, hands turning to claws as they dug into my leg. They won't understand. Why?

Because they don't remember!

They don't remember because of me. It's always my fault. It's always my fault that everything screws up. If I hadn't died then maybe they would be okay. I might have died but they would be living. I might be in the ground or decomposed, but they would be living on. What I did was selfish and I can't take it back. I was half insane if not all when I made that choice. It was miraculous I wasn't mad now. At first I was. Knowing that they didn't remember killed me and now it was coming back to haunt me as I suffer the consequences. This isn't good. This never was good. I can't let them know. I promised _her_ that I would let them find out on their own. I promised her that I wouldn't become a paradox. I told her that I would just be content with my friends and though that the truth, it's also a lie. It was a lie because I missed my friends. I missed the ones from my session and as much as I wished these were them, they weren't.

Oh God. Does that mean they could act differently? Of course not! Wait, I don't know. They might. Oh no. What if they hate me? What if everything I have stood for till this day crashes down around me?

I could feel a panic attack uprising. It crept up my throat and at the same time, sunk in the pit of my stomach. A chilled feeling drilled itself there and I couldn't hold back the need to let my cover loose, but I held it. I need to calm down, but I couldn't breathe. Why couldn't I breathe? Was I dying? Rose said something about these right? She must have. She's Rose. She would've said something about them. What was it? She said that these were self-induced. She said they were all in my head and that they couldn't kill me. If they couldn't kill me, than why do I feel my body going cold? If they couldn't harm me, than why were my breaths becoming shallower and raspier? I leaned my head down on my knees to hide my face. I still couldn't find my breath. My throat was constricting on itself and with every pulse, became more and more painful. I could feel my body shaking, but I held quiet. The only thing I'm grateful for is that Karkat hasn't noticed. Oh please don't let him notice. My invisible breath hitched a little.

I need to calm down. I need to calm down now or else he will notice. Okay, happy thoughts. I need to remember something happy or peaceful. Something that was full of bliss and contentment. Something that was opposite of now.

I thought of my father.

I thought of his fettish for baking cakes of the dreaded Betty Crocker in large quantities. I thought of his shaving complex with all the cans stacked in the cabinet in the bathroom. I thought of his pipe and hat that completed his image. I though of his absolute crazy love for clowns, no, harlequins. I remembered the first time he told me how proud he was. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye that I hadn't seen since mom passed.

I suppose it's questionable why our guardians are not back with us? She said that they will come back in time when the events are restored to peaceful mannerisms. I thought right now was quite peaceful, but I suppose not. I just know I wanted my father back to hug and cry into. I was about fifteen now but I missed him so much. I still wanted somebody to provide for me. Somebody I was content with and somebody I grew up with. I just really wanted my dad and his warm smile to get rid of the nightmares.

Slowly, my attack subsided leaving me sweaty and shaky. I haven't had one of those in a long time, a year to be exact. I always hated them, but normally I could let out the pain. This was the first time I actually had to hide the entire thing. I hope I never have to again. I can't do it again after this time. I can feel it.

I let my legs unfold from my chest, going limp as they swung back and forth at the chair. My arms fell on the arm rests in the same way as I gently turned the chair in a circle. That was the odd thing of my panic attacks. They left me relaxed and... tired.

I glanced up at Karkat before letting my eyes drop to a close, closing my book or emotions.

Maybe I can sleep some before chaos ensues.


	4. Chapter 4

_Okay, fudge. Erm.. I actually hoped to post this yesterday but I saw a whole mess of mess ups and then I had issues with so yeah :/_

_I totally give up on explaining my horrible ability to not go into OOC for these characters. If they are OOC, I apologize greatly since I'm a major screw up at that. Blargh. Karkat your so fun to write, but your also such a hard character to write when you actually try! ^^"_

_Hmm...So updates...Okay, I will probably stand by my whole "one chapter a week" thing, but if I get the chance, I'll try and post two though I won't be able to do it this time since Chapter 5 isn't even done being written yet. I might make one more update next week before my vacation to Nebraska and such to hopefully satisfy your minds until I get back. :)_

_But yeah. I hate this chapter since I cannot portray Karkat correctly. I give up on him, but I'll try to get better. I probably should have done hours of research before I started my first Homestuck fanfic but whatever :/_

_Oh! No more exams! I'm free finally :) Though I am a little down due to a tragedy at school that was related to me so don't expect anything in the next few days so I can try to get back to normal, okay? I'm sure most of you understand. :)_

_Oh my goodness I can't wait to type and post Chapter 5! I finally get to pull in MY impersonation of Jack Noir and he is a fun person to know if you have a twisted sense of humor~ :D I love him so much but I hate him with a passion! I'm sure you guys will have fun with him since I had so much fun writing him! I wrote him how I thought I would like him to act around if I wished it so it's not what he really acts like, but how I perceive it! You will see once I post the 5th chapter :D_

_So yeah, that's it :D I'm working on a SolKat and a DaveJohn as well but won't post those for awhile. :)_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck! _

_Ciao lovelies!_

* * *

I looked at my lit-up screen of the cellular conversational device, puzzled slightly as to why Egbert had to leave. This was as much business his as mine, right? Fuck, why do I even give a care? I shouldn't. Perhaps it's only a little request from Kanaya and she felt awkward to have Egbert there. She probably wanted me to relay some weird lovesick message to her girlfriend or whatever the hell they are. For all I knew, she's probably going to chide me on my attitude, something that nobody's going to change so I don't know why they try really. Either way, none of them appeared pleasant in the slightest. They both held a remarkable resemblance to each other in the terms of utter nookfucking annoyance.

I let out a huff when I saw that she was intent on my talk. What did she even want? We already took care of business and all that right? If I'm fucking correct, then yes she fucking did. She actually finished that, what, five minutes ago? She ended that fucking epilogue when she told Egbert to leave, which still didn't make any sense. It was just like a giant scratch on my back that I couldn't reach. I kind of temporarily forgot how annoyingly persistent Kanaya could be when she was intent on succeeding her mission of curiosity. It was annoying, but as much as I hated it, I always succumbed to her stupid habits. Gog I'm such an idiot.

Here's a good example of me "succumbing to her habits".

Watch as I enter this conversation that I stated earlier I didn't want to take part of.

- ectoBiologist has ceased responding to the memo -

GA: Now Before You Lose You Cranium In The Process Of Rage Listen To Me

GA: Rose Has Brought Up A Very Apparent Topic Recently That I Would Like To Discuss With You While You Are There With John

CG: OH FUCK NO

CG: IF WE ARE JUST GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOU LOVE INTEREST WITH THE SEER THEN I'M OUT

CG: I WILL NOT READ A WORD THAT CAME OUT OF HER PROTEIN CHUTE WHATSOEVER

GA: Are You Certain Karkat

GA: I Very Much Must Insist That You Listen To This

GA: It Has To Deal With Our Poor John Who I Fear Has Too Much Stress On His Mind As Of Late

CG: GOG DAMMIT

CG: FINE. WHAT DID THE IDIOT DO NOW?

GA: He Hasn't Done Anything Per Say Karkat

GA: Its Much More In The Realm Of Pertaining Of What Is Being Done To Him

GA: Rose Has Reason To Believe John Is Hiding Something And That It Is "Eating Him To The Point Of Utter Insanity And Depression"

GA: The Quoted Portions Being Stated By Rose I Must Add

CG: I GOT THAT

CG: ANYWAYS, GO ON.

GA: I Believe That She May Be Right Considering Our Recent Memo With The Topic Of Choice

GA: Did You Notice His Lack In Practically Everything He Once Stood For

GA: Its Rather Uncannily Unlike Him I'd Like To Admit

GA: Even Though I Don't Speak To Him As Much As I Do With Rose

CG: OF COURSE I HAVE NOTICED!

CG: IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR A WHILE THAT I'M ACTUALLY SHOCKED THAT YOU IDIOTS HAVE JUST RECOGNIZED IT.

CG: HE'S SKITTISH ABOUT EVERYTHING AND IT SEEMS LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS NOTICED CONSIDERING THAT I'M ON ANOTHER PLANET ALTOGETHER

GA: Then Why Don't You Pursue Him In The Troubling Subject

CG: I DO TRY BUT EVERY TIME I DO HE AVOIDS IT

CG: IT'S LIKE HE'S TIPTOEING AROUND IT LIKE A BRUISE THAT WON'T GO AWAY

GA: All The More Reason For You To Keep An Eye On Him

GA: Karkat I Would Be Pleased To Dim This Disconcerting Conclusion But I Believe That Our Dear John May Be Falling To Pieces

Wait what?

I read the passage again and rubbed my eyes to be sure. Annoyance and shock registered in the back of my mind as some of the pieces fit together perfectly. Even as they did though, I ignored it. I didn't want to believe such an utterly absurd idea and theory as this. Fuck this. He can't be doing this. He's a little down and all that shit, but slipping? No. I don't think that the little idiot can crack under pressure, but what if I don't know him at all? What if this was all some sort of pretense? A little dark for John to be honest, but I don't really know what to believe of him. Do I keep clinging to the smiling idiot or do I succumb to the depressed shadow? I mean, I just saw him fall to pieces in front of my eyes and then smile like it was nothing, like he was recovering from a relapse of sorts and it irritated me. Was he just acting happy for our sakes? Sounds exactly like him. Were we all so damn clueless in this? I didn't want to think that but the image of his face in red tears broke the barrier. I honestly just thought it was just stress - Fuck I still think it's still stress, but Gog fucking dammit I don't know anymore! He practically switched personalities when I merely tapped his shoulders. He actually stared at me like I was a enemy, like I was a monster he wanted to run from or attack. It was like his mindset was on the game still, like he was when he lost some of his friends, but he couldn't possibly remember that.

I scoff lightly when I actually think of that event. Nobody remembers it, but I suppose I'm more glad than upset? I may be the worst fucking asshole in this universe, but I'm not a inconsiderate obnoxious douche. Things went bad there. Simple as that. I tried to become a leader that I wasn't and in turn doomed everybody to hell and back. Isn't that just like me to fuck everything up. It fits my description of a mutant.

I nibble my lower lip in thought. I still couldn't see how the derp could be so unhappy as Kanaya states. I just can't see him cracking. I can't see him in a puddle at my feet while I stand and try to clean the mess. I can't see that and I suppose that's what is placing me into this denial. I am so satisfied on believing that nothing happened. I am content in my fucking thinkpan to not grieve over the simple possibility that John may be not what he seems. I don't see tears and emotional fragility. I don't see a antisocial shadow who refuses to speak to anybody in fear of being hurt. I don't see that and yet I have to. I still see the derp that he is. I see the windy idiot with the buck-tooth grin and the sparkly blue eyes that shown with light and life. I can't see anything else. How can somebody who was so elated before translate to a dark figure in the corner with mysterious sadness clouding his mind? Please explain this to me because I can't see it. I can't see it whatsoever and it's killing me.

I know I should be wondering why I care, but honestly, why didn't I care? Why didn't I start caring earlier on so I could, oh i don't know, fucking prevent this from ever happening? I can never do anything right! I can't even save my friends slim sanity from clashing to rock bottom. I can't even save the one person I feel for cease the onslaught of battering emotions.

I glanced up at John quickly before glancing at my shaky hands. Why are they even shaking? Gah, my emotions are going to be the end of me! John didn't even look phased whatsoever! He seemed fine despite the purple and red splashes on his clothing. He didn't hold any signs of discomfort or breaking. He didn't look like the boy Kanaya explained to be succumbing the the dark melodies of death. Maybe Kanaya is just imagining things. Maybe Rose just over-reacted and this is nothing. Maybe, just maybe, John is completely fine and nothing is wrong in his sweet, cute little head.

Wait. What the hell did I just say? Sweet? Cute? I'm turning into a sap! I'm turning into one of the bumbling fools that can't please their girl in one of the many Rom Coms I own. Just to clear things up, they are not chick flicks. They are romantic comedies and you better fucking retain any laughter you hold against that fact. If you do laugh, fuck you.

I seriously need to stop talking to myself. I'm not exactly the best company to converse with.

Sighing, I glanced down at my phone again. Might as well see what she wants before she gets more flambouyant with her vocabulary.

GA: Karkat Are You Present

CG: YEAH I'M HERE

CG: JUST THINKING

CG: ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN THE IDIOT APPEARS AND ACTS NORMAL

CG: I DON'T SEE HOW HE COULD BE CRACKING WHEN HE SMILES AT ME LIKE NORMAL

CG: FUCK IGNORE THAT PART

GA: Karkat If Rose Is Correct

GA: He Has Had Two Years To Perfect His Facade

CG: FUCK

CG: WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

CG: BABY HIM AND ACT SWEET AN SHIT?

CG: KANAYA YOU KNOW I'M INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT TO ANYBODY

CG: ESPECIALLY JOHN

GA: Are You Karkat

GA: Are You Really Inept Of Acting Amiable Towards John

CG: ...

Fuck.

She has me there. Sometimes I regret talking to her as much as I do. Can I be nice to John? I already have been! I hugged him when he cried and then calmed his fucking episode down. I helped him up the stairs and got in contact with Kanaya for him. This isn't looking like a good case for me. Can I be kind to John? Apparently so, but I'm not going to let her know that even though I'm as guilty as one of Terezi's scalemate things.

She's expecting an answer? Fine I'll give her one.

CG: YES

GA: I See

GA: Well I Only Have One Request That May Spawn Another Depending On Your Interpretation

GA: Befriend Him And Watch Him Karkat

GA: Meaning Comfort Him When His Mind Is Most Unstable And Stop Him From Committing Harm

GA: But Attempt To Not Alarm Him Of Your Knowledge

GA: He Is Accustomed To Hiding His Issues And You Will Do As Is

CG: FUCK I THOUGHT THERE WAS ONE REQUEST

GA: I Did Say They May Split Into Two Depending On What You See Fit

CG: WHATEVER

CG: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE MY THINKPAN OVERFLOWS?

GA: One More Karkat And This Is Greatly Important Until He Is Back To Normal Standards

GA: Preferably Physically And Mentally Both

CG: WHAT IS IT?

GA: Anything You Come Upon That He Is The Subject

GA: Do Not Tell Anybody

CG: WAIT WHAT?

GA: It Is Obvious To Myself That John Has Good Intentions For Keeping His Issues Secret

GA: He Does Not Want Anybody To Know Because He Does Not Want Them To Worry Or Treat Him Differently

GA: As Much As I Prefer Otherwise I Fear That This May Be The Best Course Of Action To Have Him Not Push Us Away

GA: If We Happen To Know What He Is Going Through We Would Not Be Able To Stop Our Emotions From Reacting Differently Around Him

GA: Secrets On John Are To Stay Secrets Between You And Him

GA: Abide To That

CG: SO IN OTHER WORDS

CG: KEEP MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF AND PRETTY MUCH IGNORE THE PRYING YOU IDIOTS MAY MAKE?

GA: Precisely That

CG: OKAY I CAN DO THAT

GA: I Will Be Taking My Leave Then

GA: It May Be Some Time Until We Speak Again I Fear

CG: WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER THERE?

GA: Nothing For You To Worry About Karkat At This Moment

GA: Just Keep An Eye On John

GA: Please Wish Him My Best Regards On The Matter

- grimAuxiliatrix has ceased responding to the memo -

- carcinoGeneticist has closed the memo -

I looked at the chat for a moment before sighing and leaving the app.

My mind couldn't help but flash to what she said earlier, about the issue of communication in the future. I mean, fuck, I don't necessarily care, but I am, or was, the leader and I do care about my friends no matter how much of a prick I may be. They are kind of the only idiots I have left since our lusus's are gone and there's few people on Alternia already. If something is going on, I kind of would like to know, but I doubt they will tell me. Fucking Kanaya won't tell me anything.

Whatever. I'll get it from somebody else later. Maybe Sollux? He's one of the few people who aren't total douches I suppose so maybe he'll fill me in, if Kanaya hasn't gotten to him yet that is.

Maybe I should speak with John-

Looking up, I sighed and rolled my eyes. Nevermind, that's out of the question now. John seemed to be dead to the universe in the chair. His body was formed into a ball and his arms were on them crossed over. His head lay perfectly on top. He was out of it, but he still was adorable, but not in the same sense as before. Yes I will fucking admit that he's cute in his sleep! Everybody's cute in their sleep. Gog, that just was way out of context. Forget that. I mean to say that since most humans or trolls sleep and for the most part have worry scratched from their minds, they look peaceful and therefore somewhat adorable. No I do not watch people sleep! I'm not like Gamzee was with the air vents on the meteor. That's just fucking creepy.

Anyways, he wasn't the same is all I mean. Yeah he's John derpy Egbert, but he's not the same one I knew before playing the game if that makes sense. He was more like me and I'm still not sure if that's a fucking good thing or not. He's not a stupid pink monkey anymore, but leaning towards more of a heartless husk like me except his heart still beats. He's not like the kid before who enjoyed a good prank and hated any contact with the trolls. It was more along the lines that he seemed to know something that all of us didn't know. He was a different John Egbert and it was starting to become unsettling as much as I think it. Like I said, he appeared to be like a husk with a heart only beating for his friends. Fuck, I shouldn't be thinking this way.

I stood silently and stretched a little to allow my stiff muscles to reflex. How long had I been sitting? I glanced at the clock and came to an roughly half and hour. Fuck, Kanaya sure was talkative tonight, not that she isn't always. She was just a little more converse today than most, more forceful and all. It was rather disconcerting. Is she actually genuinely worried? It wouldn't be a first considering her mother-like attitude, but it did surprise me that it was for John. Gog damn it Egbert, what have you been hiding all of these years?

Of course I couldn't ask him this. For one, it would cause Kanaya to possibly get royally pissed and using words I didn't even know existed, but that didn't necessarily bother me. What bothered me would be John's reaction.

I groaned. Of course that would bother me. I can't explain why though! I don't know why the possible explanations that could appear from his protein chute actually worry me or why the actions he might pull after concern me. I can already picture how he would freak since it was obvious as fuck.

He would break down; that much was a guarantee. I knew this much just from the brief hour I have been with him in all. He would blubber on how nobody was to know probably or that we wouldn't understand or some shit like that. How does he know that we won't though? For all I knew, I might have gone through the same thing as well and he was too scared to ask. He's such a idiot sometimes. He is just so readable by the emotions that I know what he will do even after that. He would fall to pieces in front of me in which I don't know if he would be able to pick the pieces up again. So yeah, I wasn't going to be a full douche as normal and force him to speak. Fuck that. It wouldn't get me anywhere and at this moment, we need to get moving.

This is what John is turning me into! Gog, I swear the derp has a subconscious plan somewhere in his thinkpan to turn me into the biggest sap in the universe, if he hasn't already. Stupid Egbert and his fucking smiles. Where did he get the controller to mess with my emotions like that?

I rolled my eyes and turned to stare at John for a moment. I should wake him up. I really should fucking wake up this idiot, but the bags under his eyes stopped me in my tracks. Okay, he shouldn't be having sleeping issues. That's only me, but those heavy bags were almost as heavy as mine and that's saying something. How is he not sleeping well? Why am I even worrying about this? I'm not his fucking nanny though according to Kanaya, I might as well be. Fuck no. I'll just make sure he's alright. The stupid idiot needed to start taking better care of himself.

Starting with sleeping in a bed.

Hesitantly, I poked his cheek. Nothing. I lightly tugged his hair. Nothing. I actually pull him on the arm and of fucking course I just got silence. Throwing my hands in the air, I stomped off to the bed again, glaring at the wall and the posters of Nick Cage scattered across the room. If he wanted to sleep in a chair then so be it. I just wanted to be nice for once and actually place him in the bed like a friend should.

Of course I can't even do that right.

As I turned my back, I heard a thump and turned back. I face palmed naturally at my dense stupidity.

Fuck.

I don't know how he managed to do it, but he did it. He was completely upside down. His lower body was in the chair with his legs up against the back of the chair and hanging over limply. His torso was completely off the seat, hanging in the air like his legs. His head was tilted towards his chest from the floor with his arms behind it.

I could feel my face burn and I cursed it. Fuck Karkat, why are you looking? Look away you asswipe! I tried to. I really did try but my eyes had other plans. My gaze was observing the fact that Egbert's blue pajama shirt was hitched up show his stomach. It was registering the slow lift and fall of his chest as he breathed. It fulfilled my eyes with renewed surprise as I took notice of little bone nubs sticking out from lack of hunger. Well wasn't he full of fucking surprises! He's a liar into saying that he was alright. Alright my fucking ass! Those bones jutting from his skin don't look like a healthy remark. He is practically malnourished and underweight. This fucking explains his weight when I helped him up the stairs. I don't want to flip my shit over this and I still don't know why I am. Stupid fucking Egbert and his pure heart to not worry people. Stupid idiot.

I walked over to him before crouching down. Now I practically have no choice but to wake him up. Fantastic job there Karkat. I'm the fucking genius of the century. Why did I have to fuck everything up said genius?

Letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in, I carefully poked John's cheek. I expected him to remain unresponsive and utterly comatose, or dead to the universe, but he stirred. I continued to stay in my position to see if he will wake. Okay, to make this clear, I'm not a fucking stalker or creeper or anything of similarity. I'm just patient...somewhat. I suppose I'm loud and easily annoyed so I wouldn't be shocked if John opened his eyes and looked flabber-fucking-gasted at my signature glare.

Of course he did. I'm good am I?

He slowly opened his eyes and I kid you not they it was like those romance movies where the main protagonist is awakened by her matesprit who has been going crazy waiting for her to awake and nobody knows what to do so... oh gog I'm rambling.

I quickly recollected my thoughts as John stared at me with a confused gaze. Did he really forget that I even came here? What else to expect from John fucking Egbert. What a charmer, let me tell you. He didn't have to even try. He was currently staring at me with observing eyes as if he was using his jumbled thinkpan to configure this moment. I rolled my eyes to try and pull him towards realization and to remain calm. I was trying my hardest to not stare at the dark, discolored bags that were stained under his stunning eyes.

He shook his hanging head slightly, realizing his current position and gave a unexpected chuckle. He looked genuinely confused, but at least he knew what was going on somewhat. Glancing back at me, he eyed me curiously.

"Karkat why are you- Wait, I know why your here," he murmured before clearing his throat gently and trying again, "Why am I upside down?"

"I don't know. I had absolutely nothing to do with it," I spoke quickly, watching his confusion dissolve to suspicion.

"Are you suuuuuure? I bet if Terezi was here she would taste guilt from you~!" He chirped then laughed aloud slightly.

"I did nothing of the sort! It was all your doing with your stupid clumsy excuses of being human," I retorted.

"But I'm not human anymore now am I? I'm a troll and you can see it clear as day! You can't use that excuse on me anymore~!" He replied instantly, smiling brightly at me, "speaking of being a troll, my horns are hurting at this position..."

He tilted his head a little, but it only placed even more stress and he ceased. Gog why was he so fucking adorable? I could feel my cheeks burning a flame and I averted my gaze to John's suddenly interesting laptop. I heard a soft thump beside me, but didn't so much as twitch my head towards the motion. My face refused to cool and it irritated me. Stupid fucking emotions. Nobody wants you right now!

I was fully capable at staring at John's laptop in silence, but John himself had other plans. I soon felt an ounce of pressure pushing my cheek and letting it go in a repetitive motion. I could feel my patience waning and started to shake slightly, retaining my annoyance with great difficulty. The poking continued relentlessly and I refused to acknowledge him in fear that my emotions would take full swing.

I still didn't know what to call this swimming emotion inside me. I refused to call it love of anything of relation to the human feeling. It could definitely not be that. Maybe it was kismesis? No, John wouldn't hurt me if he tried. It wasn't auspistice since it was definately more than friends. It wasn't morailigence since I already held a morail however unreliable he may be. That only left one and I sure as hope it isn't that one. I already came close to it once and I rather skip the pain of possibly going through it again.

It soon became obvious that poking my cheek wasn't going to help, but it took John a little while to notice. Eventually he stopped with a sigh and resorted to moving in front of my view. I cursed under my breath as the gaze I had was blocked and my shaking, clenched hands placed themselves in my lap. Fuck this embarrassment! I shouldn't even be like this or even notably flushed by this simple gesture! I actually should be the one staring him down. Did the fucking tables turn while I wasn't looking?

"Karkat."

I froze. My body became rigid against his. No no no Karkat! Fuck you are not the victim. Quit playing as such. Life you head up and endure this. You've dealt with worse and you fucking no it. Simple flushed feelings are nothing compared to the pain of the past.

Taking a difficult breath, I looked up to meet his gaze. I briefly wondered how he was taller until I saw him sitting on a few pillows on the ground and rolled my eyes. I suppose I must have looked real comical doing that because he gave a light-hearted chuckle to my reaction. Maybe because I was acting like a difficult child.

"Now that your not staring lasers into my floorboards, can you please talk to me? Sheesh! It's really easy! See I'm talking to you right now and if you have the voice to rant and yell, I'm sure your voice is present for you to talk to me! Come on~ Stop being such a baby Karkat!" John spoke with a smile, though the last phrase for some reason annoyed me.

I barely held back the snaps I knew would come. If I snapped at him, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I would let everything out. It would flow from my mouth like the human Beethoven's fingered melodies on the piano. I wouldn't be able to keep them back and I would be unable to take them back. They would be suspended in the air for him to pluck out the conclusions. I would be screwed and I would have lost a friend as well. So yeah, not going to snap at him. Yet.

"You fucking passed out and the chair looked uncomfortable if you ask me," I grumbled before looking at my fumbling fingers, glaring at the floor once more. My heated face was only getting hotter and I was about to just dash away to hide it.

With a huffed breath, I added, "I tried to wake your fuckass up so I could place you in your bed, but your body wouldn't move so I gave up."

"That still doesn't answer my question though!" he whined as he tugged my shirt in his tiny gray hands. I groaned and rubbed the back of my head.

"Gog damn it Egbert! Fine! When I saw you asleep in the chair, I tried to awake you, but you were fucking oblivious to the world. I tanked your arm and you didn't so much as flinch. I got pissed, stomped off, and when I fucking move my gaze for a second, you were upside down and I saw-" I stopped immediately, fully aware of what I almost said. Fuck. That was close.

"You saw what?" he questioned innocently and I was, for once, glad that the twerp was oblivious to everything.

I glared at him, "Nothing."

Staring at my with a quizzical look, he sighed and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, raising his glasses slightly to do so. He looked out of it and appeared as if he would pass out through a apocalypse without a fucking care. How much sleep does he normally get? A hour or less?

I stood up without a warning and walked towards his bed. The ghostly print comforter seemed quite childish but such is the life of an Egbert. What else would you expect from him? He really didn't grow too much and now that he practically shrunk a foot and a half, he really didn't need anything new or more mature now. I couldn't help but allow a slight uplift of my lips to occur when I thought of his size. I still found his height hilarious despite ignoring mine to others. I mean, for once I was taller than somebody who wasn't fucking younger than me or a little kid!

"K-Karkat?" John stuttered, obviously taken a back by my actions. I ignored the expression and patted the bed roughly at which I now sat. He continued to look at me with wide, confused eyes. You have got to be kidding me.

"Okay, let me fucking say this since your too stupid to comprehend it otherwise. This is a recuperacoon, I mean bed. What do you do in a bed? You sleep and have fucking dreams of your lusus jumping over a gog damn fence. You close your eyes and cuddle to your pillow or whatever the fuck you do. So what do you think I'm telling you? I'm saying to get your ass over here so you can sleep. Simple as that and not any simpler."

"Oh," John mumbled, face crimson despite his complexion. He actually appeared kind of cu- no. Don't you dare Karkat. I battled with my emotions as he stood up and stumbled to the bed, still a little wobbly it seems. Crawling under the covers, I rolled my eyes as he looked at me expectantly. I give a satisfactory nod and stand. Maybe the stupid chair will suffice for now. It isn't like I have a choice on the matter anyways. The chair looked more comfortable than the floor albeit a little stiff, but hey I wasn't really picky right now. I just wanted to sleep.

I didn't even take half a step before I felt a small hand catch my wrist. I turned slowly to see John, or his troll counterpart, looking at me with wide, worried eyes. I wanted to break the contact, but my wrist felt the hand tighten and I ceased. Instead I looked at him until it was clear he wouldn't speak.

"What do you want John?" I spoke somewhat calm. I supposed it was my exhaustion hitting me, but I couldn't really give a hard sneer at the boy. It could also be the warm hand that groped my wrist in a hesitating stance. Either way, I couldn't give two shits and remained as such. Funny thing is that I didn't regret the picture of myself I was giving. I wasn't becoming a overly-defensive asshole. Shocker right? I blame the Rom-Coms for making me this much of a sap.

John twitched in anxiety as he mumbled, "Where will you sleep? I kind of forgot to make a bed for you." I felt his hold tighten and I couldn't help but to give a upward quirk of my lips. Where was this fucking calmness coming from?

"I was going to go sleep in your chair. It's better than the floor," I turned my torso slightly to motion towards his chair. The gray thing seemed at least somewhat decent from my view.

I turned my view back to John when he didn't lose hold, but also didn't speak. He used his other hand to fidget with the hem of his shirt while looking at his unoccupied pillow.

"John, w-"

"Would you sleep with me? I mean, like you get one side and I get the other and personal space of course! Not anything else!"

He still wouldn't look at me and it was frying my thinkpan to understand these mixed signals. Why didn't he just let my hand go so I could rest without these rampaging thoughts? Was this a simple, friendly gesture or was there a more complex meaning between the lines? I didn't want to react like a lovesick fool, but I didn't want to act like a cold-hearted asswipe as well. I contemplated the question briefly.

"Why?"

It was the right question to ask. There wasn't a simpler version of this question without resorting to the unexplainable silence. There wasn't a more complex idea without reprimanding that I rant in full force. That one word said all. Gog I was acting like the main protagonist in this fucking Rom Com I watched. Yes I watch them for a reason so shut up. They are used for...research. I'm in now way related to a feminine originated creature.

"W-Well the floor in uncomfortable, but so is the chair! Your a guest so I should have prepared a place for you to sleep, but I didn't. I'm sorry I just feel so guilty for being such a terrible host! Your my best friend and I didn't even make so much as a pile for you to sleep on! I would feel so much better if you slept in a bed, even if it's mine. I understand if you don't, but -"

"John."

"-first impressions come to be a big deal to me and I'd feel horrible if the first impression you had of my was that I am a careless idiot. Oh no. I'm sorry! I didn't want it to seem like I am so selfish! I mean I just -"

"John."

"-really want you to be happy here while I have to entrap you here in my dramatic excuse of a life and-"

"John fucking Egbert! Shut your gog damn protein chute for me to actually reply!"

He shut up immediately, resorting to relaying the message to me in his big, blue eyes that pronounced innocence. I huffed loudly and ran a hand through my hair, closing my eyes so I could hide my irritation from his searching gaze.

"Fine. I'll sleep in your bed, but the second you do that thing you said people do here. What was it? Puddle? Meddle? Cuddle? Oh yeah that was it. The second you fucking cuddle me, I'm out of here. Me and my perky attitude is out of this room and on the couch downstairs."

John nodded quickly with a toothy grin and scooted over. He looked at me expectantly as I eyes the spot with slight anticipation. Why did I even say yes? Oh right. John. He has me in his hands like a piece of clay ready to mold. I was the putty, attitude and all. Oh well. It was only one night. Tomorrow won't be the same, I hope.

I slip off my shoes beside the bed and climb in quickly, pulling the blankets up to my chin. It was so weird, but not uncomfortable. I didn't want to say so because it might make John feel bad, but i couldn't help but to miss my recuperacoon on Alternia with the sopor slime and everything. It at least kept some of the nightmares to a bare minimal. This bed held nothing but a cloak to mask me. I was vulnerable to everything here, but again, I didn't say so since I was screwed either way.

"Night Karkat. Thanks for coming."

I froze slightly before relaxing into the warmth, "Just go to sleep."

In only a few minutes, it took just that. Deep breaths emanated from his slightly parted lips and lightly hit my face. I listened to his breathing with slowly drooping eyes. The breaths were like a lullaby that was unheard of. It was like a song that could never be played. Gog Karkat go to bed. Your too sappy to be saying this shit right now.

Even though it was cheesy and horrible, it was still true.

Glancing at John's sleeping face of pure calmness, I fell into a slumber with my last thoughts being John.

To be honest, even if he changed permanently, he was still John or at least that is how I see it.


	5. Chapter 5

Okay. First of all. I know for a fact that this is well overdue! I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately though...

Anyways! It's up! I originally had way more to do on the chapter, but I thought I would split it in half and use my other written part for the next chapter? :33

I know for a fact that this chapter is full of freaking grammar and spelling errors but I quite frankly, don't care. I know it's rather odd to hear from me, but yep, I don't really care right now! I'm sooo pumped right now from the (I think?) homestuck update that I just do not give a care.

Oh! but I do get to show you guys my Jack Noir headcannon here I think? I hope you like the guy! He's like the villain I would love to meet, but at the same time I would hate his guts! :) I think he's intriguing really! Something new right? Tell me what you guys think? ^^

Chapter 6 may be a little bit late, but it will hopefully be worth the wait when it's done. I had to postpone my special chapter from 6 to 7 since I split chapter 5 in half. :/

Hmm...I think that's it! ^^

I do not own Homestuck. Nope. Nein. Iie. No.

Ciao~

* * *

_Not again._

That's all I could utter as I stood there with shadows caressing my gray cheeks. They licked up my fear with pleasure as I secreted the transparent substance throughout me. I was afraid. I feared this nightmare and the beings in it. I knew what would happen, or at least I think I do. It wasn't starting out the same, but nonetheless, I still am scared of the possibilities. Wait, no, not was, I am afraid. Afraid of the dark abyss that entrapped me. I didn't know if this was going to be my repetitive nightmare or a different one with new lust for stricken fear.

I heard a humorous chuckle that dripped in venomous hatred and cringed into myself. It was short and clipped, but most certainly in front of me. It was just in that vague area which confused me and also terrified me. I didn't know where to avert my gaze, my fearful eyes. Was he in right in front of my body or slightly to the side of my body? Was he far away or was he simply breathing on the nape of my prickling neck? I didn't want to meet those dead eyes of Jack and I'm sure he knew that, but nonetheless i was still in turmoil. I didn't know whether to open or close my eyes. Keep them open to reveal the pain or close them to resent the onslaught?

"I would keep them open if I were you Heir of Breath."

I followed the voice to white wolf eyes, glimmering with glowering hate. They stared me don and watched my shaking figure dissolve away with the glare of his flame. Oh gog I hate this. I hate this feeling of hopelessness! I hate this upcoming feeling of dread and fright. I knew what this would bring me and I didn't want to see it! I never did. Never in all my nightmares had I wanted to see what happens. I wanted to scream, to cry, to look away, but I couldn't. I could only speak in the soft, pathetic manner that I always spoke in my nightmares. It was my voice of resented faintheartedness.

"I-I don't want to see the abrupt death Jack," I whispered as I looked in front of me at the black abyss. I refused to see his emotionless features. They were always emotionless. As far as I could dream back, they always were. The gaze of a pokerface and the look of a slab. It was paralyzing because I knew that he was hiding everything from me to only prickle my fear even more then he strives for. It was his goal for me and he and I knew this. It was his condition and my acceptance.

"Is that so? Might I remind you that while your here, I am the controller? While your in the shadows, I say what goes? While your in ink, I stir the emotions? While your in darkness, you have no light to guide you. I am your only foe yet while your in my home, I decide whether you win or lose. I'm sure you know this Heir of Breath. Don't hide it you fool. Your knew this yet you still deny it with simplicity. I haven't decided if the act of your ignorance is childish or foolish. Which would you prefer?"

"Neither," I pleaded hoarsely. Fear was creeping into my stomach and into my constricted throat. It's ironic really. A Dave moment if you will. I was choking on the emotion that allowed me to live.

"Both? Yes I suppose both will do!" he chimed with a snicker, dark and menacing. I winced as a growl escaped from his throat, "I have a surprise for you."

"I hate surprises," I whisper barely audible. He heard it nonetheless.

"Oh I love them! Especially the ones that _I_ give!"

With a snap of his fingers, my nearly closed eyes flew open. It was him who did it, I knew it was. He planted the seed of curiosity in my mind and I knew that it was exactly what he wanted from me. It immediately appeared, but along with it came a thick sheet of caution. I wanted to see it because of mild wonder, but I didn't out of idle fear.

I wish I had kept my eyes closed. Oh God do I wish that I had kept them closed.

When my eyes focused on the scene in front of me, it took all of my will to not cry. It was a figure obviously, but it wasn't my father or anybody I could tell immediately by. Even if I didn't know the figure yet, I still gasped in horror and pain. The flicker of abrupt pain in my heart vibrated throughout my body in thick waves as tears fell; red, thick tears. They poured endlessly and it sickened me as to how much it was in relation to my blood, how it uncovered my blood so easily. They blurred my vision in crimson as my teeth clenched together . My eyes narrowed in pain even though it wasn't I who was dealt it. The event in front of me just radiated the point across to me like a stab to the chest. The figure in front of my eyes just screamed out to every point of me. It screamed in agony, no, _he_ screamed in agony. _He_ cried out apologies and pleads for release. _He_ let out curses in a excruciating manner. _He_ struggled against the bonds that were hanging him by the wrist. The bonds that glowed a faint carmine against the single stream of light. The bonds that looked like a familiar sign.

What was it? Why can't i remember even though it shines out to me?

"I'd say he is the Cancer," Jack mused before adding giddily, "you know someone of that sign don't you? The mutant annoyance who is forever insecure about his blood as you seem to be growing onto? The inconsiderate fool who yells out nothing but utter nonsense? I think you know who I am referring to."

I didn't have to look at him to know that he was giving me one of his all-knowing grins. It's not like I could have done so anyways. I was frozen in my place, unable to breath. What was breathing again? Certainly the thing I'm not doing right now right? Breathing isn't the stop of air coming through my mouth right? I think that's it right? Oh Gog, no. No no no. This can't be happening! This is not what we agreed on! This is why I can't make any attachments! Make this stop. Please make this stop. No, not him.

"Kar...kat...?" I murmured incoherently. How could I speak coherently? I was in shock. I was stuck in a phase in which I couldn't shake out of. He is one of my friends! How could Jack do this to me? How could he have done this to me? Wait, he's Jack. His job is to make my life a living hell right? Right.

Is it sad to say that I preferred my father's repeated deaths to this single occurrence?

Jack leaned down to my ear level, breathing on my ear in cool wisps, "Want to know a little secret? Something to keep your meddling mind off of other things? This will surely entertain those little dying thoughts of yours. Karkat's ancestors and dancestors also preformed this little...rite if you will. It's actually quite amusing this time, much more...delicious. The Sufferer always remained silent and stoic. He was like a chiseled statue, never moving. He was reserved to his own advances and brave, but he was utterly foolish. He should have played along while he was glued to those chains of fate you see on Karkat. As for Kankri he was much more open, but pitifully pathetic. He cried out profanities in a nonstop ramble that if he was at a earlier time, would have occurred a giant..."trigger" warning. He was a annoyance for the short time that he lasted. Now it's Karkat's precious turn and he is much more satisfying than the others. His cries are like music to my ears. His breaths make me smile. His pleads for your name make me laugh so hard that I can barely breathe."

My eyes widened. The tears had stopped at this point but the enlarging made them ache from the strain. He...He was cursed to this? I couldn't help him? No, no this can't be right! I re-did everything so he should be able to go along without harm...

"If only you knew," Jack whispered. I glanced up and he smirked.

"Don't you understand now Heir of Breath? No matter what you changed in your session, you are still succumbed to the fate that was written out to you. You can't outrun fate or out-do it. The red string cut out when you were born is still there until it is cut and you fall down with blood pooling at your feet. Oh wait, I think this applies more so to Karkat than yourself at the moment. Let's have a look at him shall we? Observe his strained features of his face. Look at the bleeding skin of his wrists. Watch his head as it hangs while dripping blood and grime. Sight his rags that tear to reveal hidden scars. I bet you didn't know that past scars of his dancestors and ancestors are still glued to his skin even if he isn't them. As I was saying, listen to his constant cries of your name."

I had to look. I couldn't move my eyes from his shielded face. His hair was plastered to his forehead as crimson rolled down in waves by the sides of his head. How was he losing all of that blood and still conscious? He should be... He should be...

_Dead_.

But no, he was alive and straining tot remain so. He was bleeding and crying and pleading, but he was still very much alive. The tears were thinner than the blood from what I could see and it killed me by how much more it was prominent than the blood. Oh Gog, Karkat...

His arms were scathed with cuts that reopened as he struggled against his bonds to get free. So many of those scars that reassembled those on my very own skin. So many that covered his back and legs and arms that were remarkably similar to my own scars of the past. It was a grating to my sanity as I counted how many there were. _Ten...twenty...thirty...oh Gog..._

I could see the lashes at his skin from a whip as he turned his back constantly. His legs looked as if they were made of lead as they swung limply around the torturous clench. He was like meat at the butcher, hanging from the hook in await for the slaughter. By the looks of it from here, he didn't have to wait long. With as much blood he was losing, it seemed like he only had a few minutes. Oh gog, this is what happens when I get close to people. This is why I relished loneliness to the latter. At least nobody got hurt...but me, but I don't care about myself. My friends come first...always have. How could I have gone against my own protocol just for a hour or so? Look what has happened now...to my best friend at that.

Is it melodramatic to say that I wanted to die right then and there? Is it too much of a overkill to say that I wanted to run to no end or throw myself at him with the will to unlatch him from his astrological bonds?This was all platonic of course! At least... I think. Wait no, this isn't the time to consider my feelings. He's in pain in front of me! How can I think such horrible thoughts when he is practically screaming out loud everything he held inside? Wait a second though. Is it absolutely forbidden that I just wanted to make sure he was alright? If so, I am guilty and plead as such. Why? Because that is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to walk up to him. I wanted to untie him. I wanted to hospitalize his wounds and I wanted to hold him. I wanted to scrub his fate of this as well as I wanted to make him feel safe. I felt protective over him, but I was still confused on whether it was pale or red. I wanted to help him to his feet and show him the light that he thought never existed. As sappy as it was, that was exactly what I wanted to do.

"Is that really all you wish to do? You are selfish Heir of Breath. Steal him the thoughts of pain? Preposterous. Bring him to the _light_? Atrocious. Aiding him with comfort? Unthinkable. Remember this Heir. It's your fault. You know you can't give comfort! Your even incapable of accepting the notion. How do you give something you don't even _have_ Heir? Answer me this_."_

I ignored him as I slowly walked forward. I didn't want to here this! I was fully intent on going to Karkat and helping him. I guess that makes me a hypocrite since I didn't really appreciate help too much. Nonetheless, Jack is a giant freak whom just hates anything that isn't him!

Wait. Where is this self-esteem coming from? I wasn't normally this brave when I was around him. Normally I was a little...cornered. I mean, not like I was complaining! This is nice! I liked it a lot more than before. It made me feel really strong and all, like I was before the whole mess. I guess I now know how Tavros felt after he got legs. This is pretty damn sweet.

I smiled and looked at my moving feet as they stepped one foot at another. It took me a moment before I realized something.

Wait, I was actually moving? I did a double-take at my feet and smiled even more widely as I saw the miles that normally licked my feet eagerly slip away to nothing but the shadows. It was like I was light an they wanted to avoid me! Wow, light. Haven't heard that title apply to me in a while. It's interesting and nice to here. That's besides the point! I was moving! I was actually stepping and able to move to Karkat! I looked at Karkat and I swear I saw him give a wavered smile. It was so forced but it was nice. It gave me strength and everything I needed to get to him. He could see me even though what he was going through.

I froze mid-step when I felt the chilled metal of a blade against my cheek. My breaths stopped and my eyes widened with fear settling in. I could feel my breaths slowly going from none to shallow as time wore on. I didn't want to move and I didn't. The blade didn't move until a few minutes later and even then it was painfully obvious what he was going to do. It didn't hurt compared to what I have done, but when the blade broke through my skin to make the long gash from below the nose to the ear, I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't hurt. It hurt like hell but I took it because I knew better than to stand up to Jack. That confidence? What confidence? No confidence here in this little Egderp whatsoever. It sizzled out along with hope when the blade lightly prodded my cheek. Of course it was hard to think any of these thoughts when all I wanted to do was grab my cheek and cower. I couldn't do this though. I gritted my teeth and clenched them together when the pain actually registered to it's' fullest, hiding my hands behind my back as I bit back tears. I didn't move to cease the flow of scarlet. I stood there like a deer in headlights as the sword landed on my neck, waiting.

I heard a tsk-ing noise of disappointment behind me and looked at my feet.

"You know your not supposed to get that hopeful. Haven't I at least taught you that? I ave taught you so many valuable habits haven't I? I thought that you would've remembered this important one that you apparently disobeyed. How about I teach you a lesson? Let's recap against what we have learned, more so to you," he pulled out his nails, sharp as claws, and placed the sword down temporarily to count out, "I've taught you that everything of this session is your doing and therefore, your fault. I have prodded that thought that if you grow attachments to people, they will hurt you no matter what you believe from them. They always lie to you. You do remember that do you Heir? Just like I have shown you to never ever show weakness, to never let anyone see the pain or fear. That is failure and even though you are full of that factor, it's best for you to sulk in it alone, right Heir? That is what you told me when we first began. I have depicted the image to you that if you rely on people, they'll disappoint you in a heart beat. I preached to you to hold your feelings until no one was around. It is said that a villain such as myself shouldn't have done such a thing as helping the hero, and yet I did. Does that make me your friend or acquaintance? Does that make this threat play or true? I have taught you so many tips of knowledge and this is how you repay me? You repay myself with acts of disobedience and selfishness. Your own father wouldn't be proud of you."

I gasped at the mention of my father and moved my gaze to his laughing eyes, "Y-You don't know my father! He was always proud of me...he just never told me in person... he told me through notes. But still! He told me that he was so proud of me! Your wrong Jack. You have to be because he would never not be proud of me!" I paused, tears springing to my eyes as I looked away, "at least, I think so anyways."

Jack chuckled lightly and came close to my ear, raspy voice in full mode, "Remember Heir. I have been releasing him from yourself for roughly 2 years I believe? He tells me one thing every time he dies. Every single time Heir. Would you like to hear them? I'm sure some of them would shock you. Some even shocked me to a point of laughter.

"The first one was that he was proud of you. The second being that you would defeat me. We both know how that turned out correct Heir? The third was that he loved you so much. How sickening. And so on and so on. The most recent one Heir was one that you might actually break for so I will hold onto it. Or wait. Would you like to hear it right now? I'm sure this would be quite the spectacle to see, right Karkat? Ah, I'm sure he doesn't care either way. He is probably angry at you as well! You are such a disappointment Heir! Don't you see? I was the only one left to actually try to be proud of you and you even shamed me. How typical Heir. How foolish and typical."

Tremors of all sizes racked through my body as time wore on and he continued to speak. I can't take much more of this. I might actually fall to my knees and weep and I can't give Jack the satisfaction of this though.

I felt a breath be taken by my ear and I flinched, "take a step and I will have to maim you, my _friend_"

I heard the little slur at "friend" and cringed internally. I had no doubt of that fact. I knew him quite well from our...banters and moderate quarrels over the past years. I knew him so well that I could tell that his hand was probably itching towards my chest as I thought this little thought over. I was right. His blade was gently poking my back, every poke becoming more prominent than the last. It was first a little nudge, but now I could feel the tip of the blade on my bare skin an it was starting to worry me. This was a dream, but fears don't vanish when dreams occur. If anything, they intensify and that was the case right now. I was starting to move my fingers a little as a thought ran through my head quickly. I knew that I wasn't going to last long at this rate.

Let's... Let's pull a act. I used to be good at those right? I mean, I'm still good at them when I try and I'm a master at pretense and a pranking so it has to work right?

It's not like I have any other split-second ideas in my screwed up head.

Sighing, I let my shoulders sag in defeat and stopped my movement all together. As expected, the blade also ceased it's advances and intense prodding.

"Fine Jack. I won't move from this spot unless allowed so," I murmured obediently, rotating my head slightly to look in his emotionless eyes. He glanced back with obvious suspicion and I can't say that I blamed him. He knew me well also.

It was just obvious; the lack of trustworthy he was showcasing to me. He didn't trust me, but I didn't trust him either. We were both very non trustworthy people you see and it might just be from the fact that we are mortal enemies or whatever, but it existed. His came more so from character. Expressions were often his way of showing it by either the narrowing of his eyes or the snarl on his muzzle. Mine on the other hand came from my forced learning with the said untrustworthy one. I succumbed to anything referring to love or something that was relative to anything of comfort. I needed it. I wanted it. I yearned for it since the ones I previously found comfort in were changed. Well, Jack was the first one to show that, even if it was rather disgustingly sweet and crude.

Ironic how I was looking for comfort in the enemy that made me lose it.

"Then how do I sense the vibes of falsehood Hier? Why do I sense that you are lying to me," Jack leaned in to whisper in my ear, "that you will run while I turn my back?"

I was shaking violently now. Okay, maybe I wasn't as good as a pretender as I thought I was. That was the only thing I could do though! I thought I could at least bypass most of his perceptions but apparently not. Am I really that much of an open book or is it just because he knows me so well that I don't have to be? Ugh, this sucks. I thought that I handled to pokerface quite well so how did his prodding reveal my thoughts without doing anything?

"Are you wondering how I know? I know you are Heir?" He was in front of me now, eyes narrowing, "I know you quite well remember? Haven't you noticed how I have recently pushed every insecure button you own? There's a motive behind the actions of plaguing your very open mind for so long. There is a obvious reason why I force you into this debacle. Do you wish to know Heir? I'm sure you do don't you?"

I didn't respond. It wasn't even out of fear, but nostalgia. I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. It was just a feeling that I wanted to hear him say. Even if I said no, I knew he would tell me anyways. Might as well keep silent so I can confirm my subtle fears right?

"No answer? Fine I shall tell you whether you like it or not. There is only one reason that I have dealt with you for this long and it's quite amusing when you think about how I even helped you through this scheme. I suppose you could call it a bonus? I believe that's right. I wasn't even planning on helping you or anything of similarity, but it was so much fun messing with your head that I couldn't resist," Jack smirked and I clenched my teeth immediately, "I have tortured your already fazed mind this specific amount of time simply because I want to kill you."

I knew it.

Even though I knew it, the blow was still a giant punch to the lungs as the air left me. It was gone from my chest like matter through a black hole. Ha ha. Funny. I'm the windy god tier and I have no air in me. Wow, Dave would be laughing right now if he remembered.

I looked up at Jack and his smirk deepened. I swear, that was his second most used expression, the first being his scowl.

"You knew this fact didn't you? Oh I know you so well that you probably regret talking to me now! You more than likely don't know some things about yourself that I do! Ah yes Heir. I played this to get to know you, though not in the pleasant way might I assure you. I preformed this act to know what buttons to push when I finally find you and meet you face to face. I suppose you should just accept this defeat."

The shaking was never going to stop now was it? It seemed that way anyways. I don't think I have stopped shaking since he placed his blade against the small of my back. Now they were more like tremors and I knew that Jack was finding this humorous. He always did. Masochist is a word that could go with his name. I wanted to scream when I felt red tears fall again down my face in a trickle. Ugh, I was such a cry baby around him! Why, why can't I just not cry for once in his presence. I didn't even bother hiding my tears around him. Instead, I turned to watch helplessly at Karkat. My teeth clashed together again harder. My knees started to shake a little. I felt betrayed and yet guilty. I don't know what to do except to wake up, but I can't control that. I can't control anything here, even my hands were clenching and unclenching at their own will.

"John... D-Don't cry..."

I jerked my head up to the voice, red rimmed eyes searching for it's owner. It didn't take long until my gaze fell on Karkat. He was bloodied and cut, but he still hung there with a look in his eyes that one could describe as pleading and sadness. It was there so blatantly that I couldn't help but feel my undying anger flare up once more.

Why did I always get this way around him? Gog, I'm sure by now it is making me look like I am fl-

Ha ha ha... Nope. Out of mind.

Shaking my head, I glanced back at him with slowly fading anger. Ugh, he SHOULDN'T be like this. He doesn't deserve this. Why is he hung up anyways? Why does he and his ancestors have to be the ones to be hung and not anybody else? Actually, nobody should have to go through this! Nobody but Jack Noir himself who triggered everything and put every little event in place. Karkat shouldn't be up there, tired and weak. He shouldn't be reliving pain from his history. If anybody should be up there, it shouldn't be him but me.

"John...don't...I-I'll be alright," his hoarse voice croaked to me. He tried to give me a reassuring smile only to fall at the uplift, "J-Just get the f-f-fuck out of here...you...you don't deserve this...I-I knew this w-was my place...a-always have..."

I reached out to him helplessly and took a half step towards him.

That was my mistake.

"I told you not to do that..." I didn't have an instant to react before feeling the cool metal enter my body and exit just as cleanly. I gave a slight smile and crumple to the ground, eyesight blurring as I heard somebody call my name.

I looked around me as my eyesight dimmed and continued to do so. This was weird. I feel like I am...floating in a black hole of nothingness and I kind of...enjoy it? Something about this nothingness is comforting. Perhaps it's because there is nothing to actually harm me...or give me false pretenses. It was just...nothing. I know I have said that word a lot now, but it literally isn't enough to explain just how empty this place was. Was this where all the dead in dreams go? Is this where my father goes after he dies every time I set my eyes on him? Is this the spot where Karkat will end up after he suffers so long that he will just...die?

I mean, I don't feel pain. I feel like I am at perfect health, save for the aching in my heart. Like, everything is just a fuzzy mess in my head and smiling actually didn't sound that bad right now! I felt so at ease here and I honestly didn't want to leave this abyss of darkness. Perhaps I wouldn't? I wouldn't min I think. Rose, Dave, and Jade will probably go on well without me holding them back. Karkat...well, he can safely say that he was the last to see me actually smile...

I looked at the surroundings around me and smiled lightly to myself. Perhaps, dying in your sleep isn't so bad right?

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a faint glimmer. Turning my head towards the light, I noticed that my body was glowing and that it was slowly dissolving into blue, glittering dust around me. I stared at my right arm in awe as it was slowly eaten away and gone. It was just so...different than I imagined it would happen. I thought that when I would actually die in my dreams, it would be when I slowly faded to black, not in color. Why in color? Is it because I made God Tier or is it because of something more.

I mulled this over as the dust empowered my legs and all that was left was my torso and some of my thighs along with my head.

Well, I get to die in style right?

Never thought I would die in a dream though.

Well, there is a first time for everything right?

Let's hope that this is my last.

I closed my eyes slowly and breathed in, smelling nothing but dull air. Waiting a few seconds, I savored my last breath before letting it out slowly as the dust crawled to my neck.

_Well, goodbye I suppose?_

* * *

Muah ha ha~

Cliffhangers! Gotta love them!

(Nope I hate them but still XD)

Hmm...So does John die? Does he wake up? Is he stuck in a new place that is outside of Sburb? What do you guys think? :3

Oh! How was Jack? :D

Hmm...that's it...

Ciao~!


	6. Chapter 6

_ A/N: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so freaking sorry guys D: I meant this to be up a WEEK after chapter 5 and instead, it took me months. This isn't even that good of a chapter DX I'm sorry I took so long :( _

_ The reason it took so long was because I write everything out in my journal and then type it and edit. It's a long process I know, but it helps me from getting writer's block to often...which I had for a while. Like, towards the end of this chapter I was like *table flip* "How am I going to finish this! Should I even finish this? Blah blah blah" and then I got random inspiration and finished it 5 days ago =/_

_ Fuck...Well, let me do a little warning thingy here for this little chapter:_

**_Warning: Self Harm :( _**

_ It's horribly awful and I hate it, but it's happening in this..._

_ But yes! It's up...after such a long time. I know this is different then what normal Authors do, but schools in a week so expect faster uploads then! I normally write during school since it's so boring :33 Well, that's it ^^_

Disclaimer: I do not own homestuck (otherwise ships would spur everywhere)

Ciao~

* * *

_ Well, like I said, "I suppose..."_

"...ohn!...ake..p...!"

I was startled awake when I felt somebody gripping my shoulders tightly, shaking them all the while.

_ Who...who took me away from peace?_

I opened my eyes to see Karkat's frightened ones. They were wild and wide, staring at me like I had conjured a monster, or turned into one. His ink black hair was disarrayed as well as matted to his sweaty face on all sides. He looked flushed as if he had a nightmare of his own and it concerned me more so for him than myself. Gently pushing him away, I sat up, leaning on my bed frame lazily. I studied him lightly, staring into his eyes for a second before I slumped forward, wrapping my limp arms around his waist. I felt him freeze for a second before awkwardly patting my back, murmuring curses under his breath.

I didn't shed a tear or cry out in blubbering nonsense. I held it in and just literally sat there, hugging my best friends waist like a lost child who was reunited with his parents. Like Nick Cage in that horrible movie that I honestly still have no clue how I ever felt love in. You can get the point though. I didn't burst into an emotional mess in his arms or anything, but I still felt like I should in a way...? I can't really explain it.

After some time, I scooted back, glancing at Karkat with an apologetic expression. Wow, talk about weird. Well, I never did act like myself in the first 30 minutes of waking up from my nightmares. It always affected me in the wrong way since reality would crash on me once more like it did the very first morning we got back.

"I'm sorry," I murmured strangely calm. I averted my eyes and stared at my hands, flat on my crossed legs. My mind was quiet though. It was calm and not racing at one hundred miles per hour like it normally was. I may have looked apologetic, but in all actuality, I still don't know if I am. I could feel the emotion playing across my face like a motion picture, but I don't know if it held it's place. I felt just...strange I guess? I think the nightmare affected me more than I thought. I thought I would be thinking about it during the day every so often. It was more than that actually. It was like I felt betrayed and detached from my conscious at the moment. The dream affected not only my mind but me.

Huh. Well, there's a first for everything.

"Why are you apologizing?" I looked up at him with a quizzical look. He sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair, wincing as his digits caught onto tangled locks. I stared at him blankly as he did so, still not comprehending his question.

_** Why** am I apologizing? Why **shouldn't** I be apologizing is what he should be asking! I mean, I practically went totally against my whole "No Homo!" rant with hugging his waist in a non-platonic manner! I hugged him randomly and didn't give him an explanation as to why. I placed him in a very awkward position while I didn't register it. Ugh, I am such a derp and yet he is asking why I am apologizing. I...I don't understand to be honest..._

"As far as I am concerned, you had every right to do whatever the fuck you did; no matter how quadrant confusing it is to me," he stopped immediately, face flushed a brighter red then before and instantly adding, "that does not mean you can do it whenever you want though! Only when you have nightmares...like that or worse."

He got quiet as I contemplated what he said. It was actually as if he cared for my well-being. Weird.

Wait a second.

"How do you know I had a nightmare?" I asked him almost inaudibly. I know I don't talk in my sleep. I stopped that I long time ago when I found out that Dave over-heard me in my nightmares. He still doesn't let me live it down, especially since the part he heard was me screaming to my father as he died. So yeah, I shouldn't have been sleep talking or anything! How did he know I had a nightmare?

Karkat stared at me for a second, getting redder by the second. How was this making him flushed? I swear he is starting to look more and more like a cherry each second as I stared at his face.

"I... I just knew alright? I can't fucking explain it," He muttered, looking at his fists.

I tilted my head, "So... you had pretty much an instinctual moment?"

He nodded, "Yeah, I guess that's the term for it here."

I let a ghostly smile cross my lips before leaving once more. Huh, well I guess that explains it.

Silent, I tilted my head up to stare into his black eyes yet to change to their blood color. I noticed the little things about him that I normally wouldn't have noticed in any other situation than this. That is, a situation that would be socially and physically awkward for a NON-homosexual as I, but whatever!

For the record here, I am definitely one-hundred percent non-homosexual. Straight as a arrow. Not a circle. Nope, never, don't think otherwise.

I could still take notice of his status though as a FRIEND. It is what FRIENDS do after all. They look after each other and keep each others backs! Well, I guess on Earth they do. Not a clue what they do on Alternia.

Anyways, I could tell Karkat wasn't fully alright. Something about his little red ball of fury self seemed off. Color me with suspicion.

I slowly angled myself as to not catch his eye. I needed to see what was wrong! That's what good friends do right?

I took sight of his midnight black hair and his little nubby horns. I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and frowned slightly. We weren't in danger anymore (and he wouldn't remember the memories anyways...) so he should be sleeping peacefully right? In all honesty, he shouldn't even have those marks in the first place. Also, if sleep increases height as Dad used to tell me, then he should be taller as well right? I don't think he even gained an inch, though I can't be sure since I'm now shorter than him by a good amount. But back on topic! He should be taller for sure even if he was sleeping well so if he hasn't grown much, if any, than he isn't sleeping at all...

Did he even sleep last night? I should have kept an eye on him. I'm such a terrible host and friend... even to those who need much more help than me.

I was about to comment on them, and maybe scold him a little, when I heard a knock at my door.

"Hey Egderp! You up yet? Rose says breakfast is ready."

I gulped at Dave's call, old fear settling in. Right. I still need to deal with this. I still have to cross that bridge of uncertainty.

But fuck do I not want to.

I cleared my throat, "Yeah I'm up! I'll be down in a second!"

I sighed when I heard footsteps walk away from the door before jumping once more. Damn Dave and his speed.

"Egbert you okay in there? Your voice sounds a little different. Are you getting sick? Want me to come in and check for your temperature or what the fuck else your supposed to do?"

I reddened slightly before shouting back in mockery, "No I'm fine. I didn't know the 'so cool' Strider could hold such compassion for a lonely damsel as myself!" I almost laughed at my reply. Looking at Karkat's disgusted and confused expression only increased the temptation.

"Babe, you only think I give shit about you. You're just imagining that this lovely Strider ass could be yours and you know it," I heard a light chuckle from behind the door, "But nah, I just want to know so I know if we should forge a parent's note saying your sick for school and shit."

"No! I'm really fine! I promise! Tell Rose and Jade that I'll be down in a few minutes," I replied quickly, giggling now. Dave could always get a laugh out of me.

"Alright Egderp though just sayin', I swear you take as long as Rose does in the mornings for her make-up, hair, and shit. You know you don't have to pretty that little face of yours for me. You'll always be adorkable."

I swear I could feel the smirk of his through the wooden door. This is why he has every girl in high school at his feet, because of his flirtations and utter charm that seems to attract females and males both. I've never seen him actually date any of the girls though, no matter what shenanigans they do to get his attention. Nonetheless, he always says I was the only guy who wouldn't fall for his charm. Oh I would. If it wasn't the fact that I was a NON-homosexual, I would have fallen for that smirk long ago.

Can't say that the nerdy "adorkable" didn't bring a bigger smile to my lips though.

Once more I heard his steps get quieter and softer as he walked away. This time he didn't come back. Sighing in relief again, I leaned against my bed frame, rubbing my temples. My smile slowly melted away, being replaced by a grimace.

During that entire conversation it took me all my will to not cower in my closet or hide under my blankets. I didn't want to talk to Dave in such a casual matter stating lies that I am okay when I'm actually not. I didn't want to confront Rose or even Jade! I didn't want to see their faces or reactions. Gog, I'm such a paranoid freak and this change shows it! I do have a perfectly good reason to be this paranoid right? I mean, they could change!

Yeah I don't have a good reason.

I gently chewed my lip as I thought of a joke to break the ice. I needed to shatter the stiffness in the room almost instantly to not shake my friends personalities so much.

I caught Karkat looking at the door then at me once more.

"You didn't say I was here." It wasn't a question.

" I didn't want Dave to bust down my door yet thank you very much."

"They have no clue that I am here do they?"

"I didn't exactly have the time or mind to tell them while on borderline panic Karkat!" I spoke defensively, getting a little nervous.

"Whatever. It's just going to be more explaining on your part," he muttered more to himself than I. I still heard him though. I mean, how could I not? I was sitting right next to him practically!

I looked at him with wide eyes before looking at my feet. I could tell he probably didn't mean it to scare me, but I guess it brought realization that I was alone. Nibbling on my lower lip some, I twiddled my thumbs as I felt the reddening blush rising to my face.

"Y-Your not going to help me?"

No. No no no. Stutter go away. Why must my voice fail me. Gah, he probably thinks I'm scared...well I am, but that's besides the point! He wasn't supposed to know how frightened I was. He is supposed to remain like everybody else, oblivious and happy. He's not supposed to ever be concerned in the slightest in my well being. I couldn't keep my emotions together and this is what happens. This stupid change is affecting my control. Stupid change. I don't even know how it happened, but now that it has, I can't control myself around Karkat!

Wait, no! Not that way! I mean that I can't control my emotions around him. Wait. Gog, not that either! What am I even thinking?

I could feel my face flush and let a pout slip through. I wonder what Karkat thinks of me right now. He's probably smirking, or he probably isn't even, and I quote, "isn't giving a single fuck". If he is smirking though, I don't want to look.

I heard a loud huff after a few minutes and looked up to see Karkat's face, eyes glaring at the floor and face flaring to his hairline. I resisted the urge to laugh and to call him a Kitkat, you know, since they are red? Or at least have the red wrapper? Never mind, I don't know where that was going.

Tilting my head, I looked at him, lips tight so I wouldn't smile at his expression. I didn't know what to say to this. I mean, this was how is expression was normally! What do you say to the face you see everyday? Nice face? Haha, nope. Besides, I rather not make him angry right now.

"Fine. But I'm only explaining what I know. Your on your fucking own from there," he grumbled, facing away from me. I grinned and hugged him real quick before dashing to the rest room to change.

Again, for the record, that was a FRIEND hug.

It took me a minute to get dressed but I eventually came out with regular dark blue jeans and a long sleeved white shirt with the green slime figure I normally wear. It was big on me due to my lack in size so the sleeves were a tad bit longer and hung limply at my sides. Let's just say they were long enough to cover my fingers fully and then some. Anyways, the same issue persisted with my pants as I had to struggle to place a belt on them. Rolling the cuffs as I stumbled out the bathroom, I quickly caught myself on the edge of the door and smiled sheepishly at Karkat. Even though my cuffs were rolled up, they still dragged themselves quite a bit against the floor. Gah, I hate shrinking, even though this is the only time this has happened to me.

Karkat was smirking at me. Like a legitimate smirk. I swear, if I had a pillow right now, I would throw it at him right now. I probably would have missed considering he was leaning against the exit and could avoid the onslaught easy. I could tell he was getting slightly impatient with his foot tapping.

But still, the smirk bothered me!

"What's so funny?" I asked, pouting at him.

"Nothing, you look so cu- colorful. Your very fucking colorful," he replied though I took notice of his stutter and giggled lightly without another response.

"I don't see any color on me," I mused then tilted my head slightly, thinking about it," well, now that I think of it, I am wearing green, white, blue, and black! If you count me as a whole, then I'm also wearing gray, yellow, red, and a brighter blue!" I smiled at Karkat as he rolled his eyes and opened the door a little.

I could hear the small bickering between Dave and Jade downstairs and froze, biting my bottom lip. A frown pulled at the corners of my mouth as I glanced at my stationary feet. Karkat looked at my expression with a perplex one before letting the corners of his mouth curl up. It was so miniscule that you had to be friends with him for a while to notice t.

"Come on. I doubt your insufferable prick-like friends will change. One reason because their idiots who can't even fathom the idea and secondary, they'd be fucking jerks to abandon you. It's not going to help avoiding it or else it might just blow up in your face."

I gave a small smile and walked over to Karkat, nudging him lightly, "Yeah I guess your right. Thanks Karkles."

I blushed almost instantly when I realized what I just said. Karkles? Really John? This is what I get for hanging out with Terezi too much before the scratch that caused everyone to forget. This nickname that popped up every time she mentioned him. I didn't mean to say it! I meant Karkat; not Karkles, or Karkitty, or even Kit Kat.

It was obvious by the tone that he used that he was just as surprised as I was, "W-What? I-I mean, yeah whatever. Fuck, you know what? Let's just forget it okay? That entire little debacle or whatever Kanaya would call it. I know you'd do the same with me so it's only natural." He shrugged nonchalantly although his face remained red.

I nodded slowly, taking a deep breath and walking out. Right let's just forget that ever happened because that was so freaking embarrassing...for the both of us! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Ugh, my head was going to hurt even more so if I don't stop arguing with myself... Shaking my head, I stopped when I was in the hallway leading to the the banister and stairway.

Nothing stirred and the banter downstairs still continued. I was about to take another step when somebody pulled my collar and tugged me back with it. I looked behind me and noticed Karkat with his natural scowl and his arms crossed over his chest. I glanced at him with confusion. Why would he tug on my shirt? Did he have something to say? I thought of a million and one things he could want as he opened his mouth to speak.

"If things do... change and you feel like you can't handle it, tell me or give me a sign so I can tell them to back the fuck off."

I laughed nervously, "If your right, I won't need to so let's just hope that you were right, okay?"

Turning with a faint smile on my lips, I started to descend down the stairs. I'll admit that with each step I took, it felt as if a new layer of fear sprout up on top of the last. It was suffocating me and my mind. I know it's just a feeling that was all in my head, but it didn't feel like that at all. It piled every outcome that could materialize from this exchange and it topped all of them with the loss of friendship. With the loss of Dave, Rose, and Jade; the last friends I truly love.

I must have been shaking or something like it because when Karkat placed a hand on my arm, it was like the hand itself was shaking though I know Karkat wouldn't be frightened out of his mind right now. That would be me. He has nothing to worry about. I do. I have to worry about everything and I guess I'm jealous of him though I know that I shouldn't be. He's my friend too...just not as close I suppose.

"John. Seriously calm down. Your thinkpan looks like it might break apart at any moment. They are not going to hate you, you know. Dave is an egotistical assmunch but he's not a do- wait yeah he his. What I'm saying is that he won't abandon you. Rose may be a psychological broad and everything, but to be honest, I think she might enjoy your change more so than anything. Not in a fucked-up way, but kind of in a friendly-ish-way? Fuck it, you get the picture. Jade has always been cheery and all that rainbow bullshit so she won't even care! I mean, she is your ecto-biological related sister so she is pretty much like you. If you weren't like this, would you judge anybody who has gone through with it? I doubt it.

"That only leaves you who is the only one over-reacting. Just calm down. Shit hasn't hit the ceiling yet so your in the safe right now. If any of your idiotic friends do change, I'll be your fucking friend still right?"

Karkat actually used the first names of my friends for once... I guess he actually means what he says. Well, that's nice to know. Once again, a smile was brought to my face albeit a little wavered. He kept getting better at what was bothering me and what wasn't. What I didn't know was how he was doing it. Is it just a lucky guess like when you punch "Feeling lucky" on a Google search and going to the page you want?

I was at the door of the kitchen now and I could hear the voices ahead, varying in pitch and style. They seemed to be arguing over something, but I toned it out.

Okay. I just need to get through that door. Just take those little baby steps and gently nudge the door open. No biggie right? It will only take a second or two! What is there to worry about? Come on John. Don't get scared now! Worst comes to worst is that I would have no friends but Karkat who now gazes at me with a mixture of concern and exasperation. Okay, that's a sign that I need to get moving. Nothing will get better...or worse...if I just stand here!

Thanks to Karkat, I did get moving...just not of my own accord I guess. He nudged me towards the door and I gave a hesitant nod to him. Gog I wasn't ready for this! I was never ready for confrontation.

I took a deep breath, probably the hundredth one today.

Plastering a fake smile, I walked into the kitchen with heavy steps and heavier thoughts. I was immediately met with Dave, Rose, and Jade seated at the table engaging in strifes of vocabulary.

"Dave! You shouldn't wear you shades at the table! It's so rude!" Jade complained, pointing her spoon at the said cool kid.

Dave smirked, "You trying to steal my cool? You trying to find the secrets this cool kid has? Nah, they are my key to the cool. Plus, they are from Egderp so it's a no-go Harley."

I froze at the mention of my name from their lips before relaxing and remaining at the doorstep.

"Oh but brother dearest, what of those consecutive 'feeling jams' you have with me on John? You say it like he's the one who gave you your persona of present coolness," Rose spoke with a smirk of her own on her blackened lips. I saw Dave's smirk falter and his face redden.

I thought this was a good time to barge in...

"Umm... H-Hey guys?" I asked with a nervous chuckle. Dave was the first to turn towards me and I could tell that his pokerface was becoming strained and forced. I learned to tell the difference from the game when he used to hide his emotions about our possible and many deaths he would see, god tier or not.

"Oh, good morning... what happened to you John?"

I looked at my feet when I heard the concern in Rose's inquiry. I was going to continue this way when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I squeaked and looked behind me to see Karkat, glaring at the others as they looked between us. My face was reddened practically instantly, but I somehow managed to to flee the room like I used to. Instead, I turned to Karkat.

"Why did you come in? I-I was going to explain and..."

"Well by the look of it, you weren't going to explain anything unless it was to your feet," he rolled his eyes, "face it Egbert, you didn't have any fucking idea on what you were going to say to these oblivious fuckasses."

I flushed even more before looking at all of my friends. They were staring at Karkat to me and back to Karkat. Jade's expression seemed a mixture of confusion and slight worry. Rose fave me a peculiar expression. It was one of curiosity, concern, and an underline of dark awe. I shudder and avoid the gaze of Karkat from the action. So far so good. No screaming or murdering. Maybe everything will be al-

One look at Dave and that thought dissipated. I could tell that his "cool kid" persona was becoming strangled as time wore on and our gazes grew longer. His mouth was set, but every so often it twitched down as well as my heart beat. Gog, why? Why him? My best bro! My friend! Why him of all people? It doesn't make sense that he should be the one. No. He should be by my side with a smirk murmuring everything will be alright. Wait, no. I'm confusing him with the other Dave. This is a different Dave. He has full rights to act this way.

It still hurt like a stab to the heart though.

"John? Are you alright? You appear to be on the brink of tears," Rose murmured taking a step forward.

I nodded and plastered another fake smile on my face. I made sure this one lasted longer. I could feel my hands shake violently though, but quickly stuffed them in my pockets. No need to worry them further by looking unstable. Play it cool John. Act like a Strider. I gave a fake laugh and rubbed the back of my head in a sheepish manner.

"I'm fine Rose, really! I'm just a little shocked that you didn't freak out or call the cops or anything like that!," I smiled at her slowly relieving face.

"But what happened John? I'm so confused! One day you're human and the next you're..." Jade started before letting it die.

"A troll? Yeah, I have no idea either, but isn't it cool either way?" I winced as the grip on my shoulder tightened before continuing, "I mean, look at me! I have little candy corn horns and gray skin along with yellow scleras! It's like I came out of one of your weird sci-fi movies of whatever!"

I sighed quietly as Jade's lips upturned to my remark. I almost smiled for real at the familiar sticking-out of the tongue she did as well. Gog, sometimes she's such a child. Ha, like I am to talk. I guess we all are, I just matured more. Nonetheless, two down, one to go.

I reluctantly turned my head to Dave.

Well, to Dave's turned away face I mean. He still seemed so on edge though! His hands were clenched with knuckles bleaching. His shades hid nothing with his face turned to the side, a profile view. His eyes were squinted in anger and shock and it was from me. My stupid mistakes, my idiotic decisions, and I. I'm causing him this emotion and I'm breaking his facade. Ugh, why do I have to be such a derpy mistake whom can't do nothing in his right mind to make a friend not be worried or pissed off or worse! I'm such a failure.

I took a deep breath placed a derpy, oblivious expression on my face. Act stupid Egbert, like nothing is wrong with you.

"Dave! What's the matter? I'm still me, just not me haha..." I gave him a light chuckle and tilted my head. Perfect.

Dave still gave me that look though. That same mistrustful, betrayed, hurt look. Why was he even more offended then the rest? It makes no sense! Even if be was upset, it was like his Strider honor to hide everything behind a pokerface! He shouldn't be this open ever. I know Bro, or Dirk, taught him that at least.

Cautiously stepping towards him, I poked his side, "Dave! Really what's the matter?"

Dave shrugged my hand away roughly. Standing quietly from his seat, he threw on his back pack and walked out the door yelling, "Rose, make it a letter for absence. See you at school."

It. He called me it. Not John or him or anything or actual bros. He called me it like I was a broken toy lying around, a traitor. I was an it. I was no longer John to him but it. I was a monster, somebody he couldn't trust.

"We still have approximately an hour be-" Rose cut in before the door slammed shut leaving us alone and my heart crushed. I knew this would happen. I knew it.

"John, it's alright. I'm sure he's surprised!" Jade yelled after me as I ran to my room, locking the door behind me.

**-Karkat intervention POV-**

I watched John dash away to his room and almost followed him until I heard him slam the door shut, probably locking it too.

I sighed, rubbing the back of my head. Fuck. Well, he probably thinks I fucking lied to him now, but how was I supposed to know that Strider would stomp out like that? That was a douche move in my opinion. He even went as far as calling Egbert an it. I know everybody felt the hurt in waves after that. Strider should have kept his fucking emotions in check. If anything, I thought he'd be the most chill of them all! I guess I was wrong, but still, Strider should have kept his head together... fuckass.

"So why are you here Karkat?"

I looked up to see Rose studying me like I was an experiment she wanted to prod and observe (I probably was).

I sighed, "It's a little bit of a story so keep your protein chutes together or I won't finish. Anyways, John sent me a message through my chumhandle last night asking for help. When I asked why, he said he was a troll. I didn't believe the fuckass and brought Kanaya in to shed light on the subject. Of course she didn't help whatsoever and told me to come over here to help John out since he was majorly panicking like a fucking wriggler. I didn't want him to pass out or hurt himself but apparently he was already hurt, just not physically. He looked like he had your human diagnostic thing of bipolar or whatever. On with the story, so I come over and I confirmed he was a troll to Kanaya and she told me to stay there and to keep an eye on him which brings us to now."

I made sure to keep out what Kanaya told me to leave out. I wasn't a total douche with a fucking codpiece up his ass thank you very much.

"That wasn't very long Karkat," Jade mused.

"Shut it Harley."

"I'm just saying Karkat, that wasn't nearly as long as you said it would be."

"I didn't say it would be really long if you would shut up for a minute! I said it was a little bit."

"It wasn't even a little bit of a story-"

Rose cleared her throat and I looked at her, " Did John tell you why he was only telling you and not us? I mean, we were the closest in proximity if he needed help at the time and you were... not."

I rolled my eyes. How incomprehensible can these two, three counting Strider, be?

"Can you really not understand at all his fucking reasons? Seriously Lalonde. Think about it real hard. If something changed your fucked up anatomy would you tell your friends who remain quite fucking judgmental because of the assmunches they are, or would you tell the one person who wouldn't give a single fuck? Seriously, it should be common knowledge."

Seeing as Lalonde wasn't going to respond, I continued, "Sometimes Lalonde you even surprise me. He was too afraid to go to you three because you might treat him differently. He was terrified that you fuckasses would leave him, ignore him, or worse, stop being his fucking friend. I hope you know why he ran to his quarters like that."

By the time I was finished, Harley was pushing her meal around her plate, not really eating it. Lalonde was obviously guilty, but pursued further.

"Was he really that fearful of confronting us?"

"If you saw the shit he did, you would be too," I muttered before saying, "he practically had a panic attack in his room about it and I guess he was right to panic. Look how you all acted. Not a single one of you came and preformed a human act of affection. Not a single one of you actually acted NORMAL and just walked up and said good morning like a normal person. You all were stunned and quite idiotic for doing what you did. You confirmed his fears. It just didn't hit him until Strider decided to blow him off. Now he's back in that gog damn room, probably upset as fucking hell and it leaves us here and me to explain why he did that."

Lalonde sat down in her chair, thinking. After a minute, she sighed and pulled her journal out along with a purple pen," Jade, would you please get a doctor's note to forge? I fear John will be hone for more than a few days." Harley nodded and ran off to gog knows where, only to return with a paper.

I eyed them as she filled out the two sheets of paper until she looked up and softly spoke, "Karkat, thank you for informing us, but I believe John needs you more than us right now. Jade and I will handle David at school, but I insist and order you to take care of John in our leaving. He seems shakened to say the least."

I nodded and headed off to the stairs.

Gog, I hope John's fucking alright in there.

**- John POV -**

I'm not alright. I'm not okay. I'm beyond even average.

I was right. I was right about their reactions and now they'll leave me, like their past selves. They'll leave me alone and crazy. Ha, yeah. I said crazy, I have no doubt in my messed up mind that I am not crazy. If you would like to argue that, then I know that I'm definitely not sane. I probably would be if it wasn't for my cursed memory and the deal I made, though I don't regret it a bit.

Turning around, I locked my bedroom door. Really it was just a fumble of fingers through blurred vision to find the nib.

I stumbled to the bathroom, barely missing the corner of the door as I tripped. My vision was jumbled into a mess of confusion and nausea. I could barely make out the sink that I grasped onto. The ledge kept me secure and from falling into the room. That would've definitely alerted someone downstairs and I'd hate to do that to them. Make them worry that is. They shouldn't worry about me if they are leaving me. That would make me a nuisance, a bad memory. I rather fall to the back of their minds and just fade to the corridors of their minds. I'm not worth remembering if it makes them worry and sad.

I chew on my bottom lip with my over-sized front teeth as I shook in the room. I was shaking horribly and what's worse is that I couldn't stop it at all. I was shaking like a person whose nightmares finally came to life. In a way, that's exactly what happened mere minutes ago. Nightmares came to life and swallowed my happiness in one gulp. Well, any happiness I could sustain.

I knew exactly what I needed... and at the same time, maybe not.

Falling to the floor quietly, I opened the whitened cabinets under the sink. It was somewhere in here. I knew it was. I muttered this mantra while scattering the toiletries across the floor. Rummaging wasn't one of the things I was best at when I was in panic, but I still always managed to find what I was looking for in the first place. I needed to look for the item so I know I will find it. It was a must right now. The one thing that will help no matter how sad I was. The friends that ripped me to shreds for good reasons.

"Where are they," I murmured, "I placed them behind the... there they are."

Carefully, I pulled out the little black bag from the back of the cabinets, staring at it warily. I observed the dust that collected on it's surface and rubbed it off to expose the zipper of the container. My tears quietly subsided to hiccups as I gently pulled the zipper in the opposite direction to reveal the contents in it. It didn't take long for me to recognize the faint glimmer of reddened metal in the bag. With no hesitation, I pulled the razor out.

I promised Dave I would never do this again, didn't I? Laughing bitterly, I observed the razor for the best angle. Well, if he's leaving me, then I won't have to worry about it right? No way he would ever care about an...it.

Sitting on the edge of the bath tub, I held the cool metal in between my fingers with experience. It's ironic how this cold blade feels the exact same across my skin as Jacks sword although I like this metal a lot more. It produces pain in relief. It punishes me when others wouldn't or couldn't. It does the job that I only wish for others to do to me. Sadly, my friends are to good for me. They would never do such a thing consciously. I'm horrid to them though.

Aligning the razor to my arm, the part that is unmarked, I lightly carve in what I already know, "Bad Friend". It rightly accompanies the other words on my body like "Liar" and "Pretender" and don't forget "Coward".

I worry them now. This was never supposed to happen though. Worry. Such a pitiful emotion that helps NO ONE. It doesn't make you feel better. It's so useless! It only makes you feel worse for doing what you did, or may not have done. It's practically a guilt trip. It doesn't aid the good emotions, but the bad. It surely won't stop me from committing something more horrid than these simple reminders on my body!

I break the skin again, this time on my upper thigh. I didn't right the next word lightly. I jabbed into my skin, crimson already flowing. With twitching fingers and careful accuracy, I carved the one word that I'm shocked I haven't written yet, "Worry".

Another few minutes or so and a few more reminders are posted on my skin. Words like "Failure", "Lonely", and "Insane". In a way, it makes me feel like I am a Brother Grimm's version of Ink heart. It's so similar except I know these scars won't disappear once everything is fixed. All my pretty gray troll skin will be marked, gauged, puckered, and red. This body with smooth, durable skin, will be painted with red. Nobody will see though. I will be sure of that. Nobody will ever see these as long as I live. They will be hidden well under sleeves and jeans. I will appear normal on the outside and shredded on the in. Such pretty little skin with such horrendous reminding scars. Scars that have accompanied me for so long.

Crumbling, I slip from the bath tub to the floor and curl into a ball. Red tears escape my eyes and mix with the scars and blood that I have created anew. They merge and continue to fall albeit more heavily.

I'm so weak. I can't even face the truth, my friends, or even me! I'm pathetic, so fucking pathetic!

I nibble on my lip as I ponder this. How pathetic I am. Soon enough, I come to a conclusion that wavers it's certainty.

I suppose being pathetic is better than loneliness and death.

...Though...

Sometimes I wonder...

* * *

*Awaits comments and criticism*

_Yes I know it sucks for a chapter so late X3 Sorry D: Ummm but yes!_

_I'm so proud of my little Karkitty~ Sticking up for John like that x33 ...Even though I made him do it lol John did over-react, part of the story, and I know it's a tad OOC here and there, but I got it done ^^ The next chapter will be the hardest and therefore, the longest to make and upload guys :(_

_Umm...yeah, I know self harm is horrible since I have had some experiences with it, but I did hint at the beginning of the first chapter of it :( I don't like it at all but it just turned out that way_

_Oh! As for Dave, yeah ^^" I made him act like a total douche with a stick up his ass I knwo ._. It's a whole part of the story guys! I needed somebody to NOT be okay with it! Somebody who would affect John the most...and that happened to be Dave :3 I shall make Rose do verbal strifes of dissaproval with him later =w= (meaning next chapter lol)_

_Um, yeah. So that is it for now. Sorry again for the lateness of this entire freaking thing. There is mistakes and I was too lazy to be more creative with Karkat's verbal dissappointment, but I just really wanted to get it out ^^"_

_Chapter 7 holds a surprise~ *wonks* lol XD_

_Ciao lovelies~_


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